From now until after January 7th.....

My mood might not be the greatest. See my mom died on January 2nd, like most of you know. And her funeral was on January 7th. I have been doing pretty good. Christmas came and went with no meltdown's from me. I just went through the motions. That's all. That was until today. Up at my grandma's we had Christmas for my mom's side of the family. All was going good, until my mom's siblings, my brother, and my dad got a picture of my mom. Don't worry I have one! My aunt still has it, she just has to give it to me. That's all. But this picture you have to see it. It is how Jeremy and I want to remember mom. How she used to be before she got sick many many years ago. I opened my dad's present, and I held back tears. Then I looked at my dad by my grandma who gave him his gift. It is a pillow made out of my moms new/unused mightgown she never got to wear. See my mom loved Leopard print ever since she was a child. And that was the print of the pillow. I will take a picture of it tomorrow and post it for all to see

But I even teared up then when I saw the pillow, but choked back tears. I new if I started, I would get all my aunt's started and my grandma. Didn't want to cause that. I just so badly want her back. To talk to, hold, hug, have her hold me, and give me advice. I am blessed to have an aunt that took me under her wing, she promised my mom that she would take care of me. She hasn't let my mom down yet. Nor has she let my dad down. But I have to say, that with my mom's death. My dad, brother, and I are closer than we were in the past. Mainly my dad and I. Since I snapped at him once, when he harping on my for some reason. I told him that I would really like to talk to him since I only have one parent left. Man was he quiet in a second. And ever since his tune has changed with me. It is kind of nice, I just don't like having to say that for him to talk to me like a normal person. And not as a person living in his house. I am his daughter, I am sorry that I look and act a lot like mom, but that is one thing I can't change. I have tried to change acting like my mom, doesn't work. So I have succumb to it.

It is also nice to know that my brother has my bakc no matter what. And he is there if me or Ryan need him and my SIL. Next year, in the new year I mean, we might be doing more with my brother and SIL. That would be cool. Well, enough rambling for now. I am going to go to bed. I have lunch with cousins and two aunts, then an interview at 1:30 in Neenah, and then make Ryan supper at his place. He will need me to pamper him after a busy busy day at work. He will be pooped and tired.

Now time for bed. Night all! Until next time. If I don't blog before Friday! Have a safe and Happy New Year!!! Happy 2010!!!
Jodes

Will I ever stop missing my mom?

Hmmm! That is a really good question. I am thinking no. But as I look at that question, I know as of right now I will not stop missing her. I am finding out that the closer it gets to Christmas the crappier my days are. Yesterday was not a good day at all. I actually broke down at Ryan's, so we talked about what wa bothering me. He is such a sweet loving man to help me through this. I know in his heart he wishes he could take my pain away. But he can't. No one can other than God. He is the only one that can help me heal.

Getting ready for Christmas is getting to be hard. It really feels like something is missing. Obviously something or someone is missing. I also know that the first Christmas is the hardest. I really do know that. It just sucks big time.

But I do have many things to be thankful for at Christmas. I am also trying to find the real meaning of Christmas. I mean, I know the real meaning. Just trying to find it in my heart. So when you see now, until after the New Year. I may look fine, but I really am not. I am crying on the inside. I am putting on a front. Just pull me aside and hug me or just go ahead and hug me.

Oh, another reason this weekend sucks is because this is the weekend my mom went into the hospital and then everything just snowballed for 2 weeks. So I will try to think positive, stay strong, and remember the happy times. But those happy times make me cry and miss her more. I am trying to take it one day at a time. So have a good rest of the day. I will try to keep up to date on this blog. If I don't have a Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year!!

Jodes

Tis the season to be thankful!!

This has been one heck of a year. I can't believe it is almost Christmas already. It seems like just yesterday my mom was here, and then everything went downhill from there. With my mom's death, came a birth of a new second cousin, and me gaining a sister that I longed for so many years.

I know some of you are like she is not talking about her mom's death again, and the rest of you feel sorry for me for not having my mom here anymore. Well, first off I want to say to the one's that are sick of me talking about this. I am sorry you are bothered with this, but you have no clue how close I was with my mom. She was my mom/and best friend rolled into one. She is what the "World's Best Mom" medal is based after. She listened with an open ear, and unjudgmental with whatever my brother and I had to tell her. She never got mad or short tempered at us when were older. Yes obviously when we were younger she did, but she had to. She is the reason I am the person, woman I am today all because of her. And my brother is the man he is because of her to. If I can be half the woman she was on the inside, I would be lucky.

Now onto the one's that feel sorry for me. I am not looking for pity or empathy. Really I am not. I just want her here to be able to talk to when I need her. To give me words of wisdom, to just see her would be a blessing and a wish come true. So from now until after the New Year's I might not be my happy self, and if I am pull me aside when you see me and give me a hug. Cuz I am just putting on a front for everyone else. I am really sad, and crying on the inside because I miss her. I know Pastor Tim and Pastor Marty will tell me to look for the fact that she is at the Ultimate Celebration in heaven. Yes I believe she is. I really also hope, they don't include in their sermon on Sunday that at a funeral you know when people believed and are in heaven. Or something to that extent. Cuz whenever Pastor Tim does that, he looks at me I swear and I start to get chills and almost lose it. That is when I or Ryan move closer to each other at church.

I know she is in heaven. I know that for a fact. And I also know, with Ryan's help from talking about this, that we did make the best decision in the long run. No matter how much it hurt to do it, we did what was best with what we were presented with. I mean like Ryan told me this week, she really only lived for an hour with no breathing help. So she couldn't have lived a normal life without that help. Also, she didn't want us to keep her alive like a vegetable.

I told this to Ryan. I am saying this here. I have only one regret before she died. I wish the last time I talked to her and saw at Manor Care, that I was kinder and not yell at her. See I went to visit her, but she feel asleep on me. I tried to wake her up, and she yelled at me. So I got snippy back with her. So I wheeled her back to her room so she could to lay down. I left kinda miffed cuz I came to see her and this happened. Then before I knew it a day or so past and all this crap happened. That is one thing I wish I could take back.

Do you think she forgave me for that? Do you also think she could hear us when we were talking to her on her death bed? Just wondering. Thanks everyone!

Jodes