When will I feel like my old self?

Hmmm, that is the question that I have been asking myself since everything happened with my mom. I thought this when she was in the hospital, and then after she died. Wow, it is truly amazing how much I miss her. And miss talking to her. I miss her ticking me off, and her smart a$$ comments. She was a pistol and I miss that. I miss just hanging out with her as well. But my dad is having a harder time with it than I am. Which is to be expected. He was married to her for 34 years, had two kids, and now only has us left. He has told me many nights "what if we would have done the tracheotomy?" I tell him that we followed what mom wanted and that if she could talk she would have said the same thing. And there are times when he tells me that I have no clue what he is going through. I have gotten mad at that, and have told him this. I may not know what it is like to lose your better half, I don't, but I do know what it is like to lose a mom that I loved so much that there aren't enough words to describe it. He says I know, and then says the same damn comment again. I tell him that if he thinks he is the only one having a hard time with her lose, which he thinks sometimes, then he is dead wrong. Jeremy and I are having a hard time with our mom's loss. The only thing that is different with us than my dad, is we are in the word of God, and we stick by our decision. The one my mom said to all of us. Granted I had doubts after her death, about the "what if" questions. Then I just remembered what she was like in her last hour of life. And then that answers my question. So I also tell my dad that as well.

He only seems to have a harder time with her death when he is drinking. I have tried to give him the word of God, and thought that with having Pastor Tim and Pastor Marty at the hospital with us. He would get a change of heart, well nope. He is one of God's lost sheep. And I just don't know what to do. I don't know anymore I can say to him about this. I know that we all grieve in different ways, obviously. But he thinks that with him seeing me the way I am, that I am not having a hard time with her loss. I told him that I may not look like i miss her, but I do. I just have a different way of mourning. I don't like to cry in public, makes me feel weak. But if you would have seen me pre-super bowl. When they were interviewing one of the players on the Cardinals team, whose mom died. You would have seen me with tears in my eyes. That really hit home for me. Or if we see a sappy movie, with the youth or young adults, then I will have tears. Or just by what people say sometimes. But I am getting better with the crying thing. Trust me they are on the surface. It doesn't take much these days in church to make me cry. Okay, I needed talk about this. I will talk to you all real soon!

Jodes