Mother/Daughter breakfast

Okay, when I was Catholic, hence the was, I used to go with my mom, and grandma, aunts, and cousins to our annual Mother/Daughter breakfast to honor mom's. Well, it has been years since I went, obviously because my mom couldn't get around that well, I think. Or we lost interest. I really don't remember the reason why we stopped going. But I went this time. I went with my grandma, aunts, and cousins. Okay, I thought it was going to be okay. I knew it would be tough, but didn't expect it to be as tough as I thought it was.

Today I was fine sitting in church, felt weird going to a Catholic mass on Sunday. I felt out of place. Then when church started the choir sang "Oh Beautiful Mother." My mom loved that song as well, and not just because of that. But I will try to find the song so you can listen to it. It made me miss her that much more. I was so close to tears, but didn't lose it. I only do that during church at Good Shepherd. :) I didn't want my aunt or cousin to start to cry and have a sympathy party for me. So I sucked it up, and fought back the tears, but they were there. Ready to fall if I wasn't paying attention.

Now mass is over with, and my cousins and I leave to save tables for our big a$$ family. I was so hungry, that I wanted to bite into my double chocolate donut. Yum. Anyway's, got through breakfast, then sang some really old folk songs with my grams and aunts. I was roped into it. I was the good grandchild. Or as my cousin, my hair dresser also known as, said I am the sucker of the grandchildren. Can't argue with that one. Now a lady is talking and singing a song, and I look over at my cousin-in-law and she comes over to me. She asks me how I am doing honestly with all this. I said I am okay, but it is really hard. She said I thought this would be hard for you, and Mother's Day will be the same way. She had to have noticed that I was on the verge, but not crying. So she told me that all I have to do is send her a messageon facebook or email form, if I need to talk. That really meant the world to me. It felt like my family didn't realize this would be hard for me. That she should have said, are you sure you will be okay to do this or come? But nope! Really I do miss her so much, as my dad does. And I know my brother misses her also. So I came to the conclusion after the breakfast. I am never going to that again. Never ever again. Too flipping hard for me to do. I felt like 'odd man out' with not having a mom there. Felt really weird. I just wish I still had my mom around to talk to.

It really sucks not having your mom and your best friend around anymore. Yes we were really close. She was my best friend up until the time she went down hill. I have Ryan and a small handful of friends that are my best friends. Mainly Ryan, he knows everything, and so do my really close close friends. You all know who you are. I have told you so that I appreciate our close friendship. That is what is helping me and helped get through this dark time. Thank you again!

God has given me a strong, close, supportive family, and also has put Ryan and his family in my life. My aunt that lives next door to me, is like my second mom seriously. I swear I can tell her and my uncle anything or ask for anything and they will be there. Like when Ryan and I get married. She will be there stepping in for my mom, so I don't feel lost or have a void with the mother/daughter thing that goes on with weddings and planning a wedding. I was so jealous of my sister-in-law when she was getting married. I mean the way her mom was so involved that is why. I wasn't jealous, I was envious. It made me realize that I won't have that when we get married. And that feeling really sucks.

So now I am going to try to find that song for you all to listen to it and will add it, hopefully, to my slideshow. Then will go to bed and more than likely finally cry. Who knows. I will not be going to scrap-n-craft tomorrow night. I am going to spend time with Ryan. I will make him supper, and maybe make a dessert if I get ambitous. Not sure what. I am making chili though, I think. Talk to you all soon!

Love,
Jodes


Sorry for any tears that I may have caused you to have.