The time is coming!

First I would like to say to everyone reading this. Sorry it has been a while since I blogged last. Last weekend we were kinda having internet issues. Stupid AOL decided to take a crap on us, and with my dad putzing with it Monday. On Monday he got it were we had dial-up internet through Netzero. Not a real big fan of dial-up. I dispise it, but at least I could check my over abundance of emails. Like Becky knows. I just clicked to select all, then unchecked the addresses I knew. Everything else got deleted. Also, on Monday my dad was trying to get AOL to start, not happening. Then with being on the phone to Time Warner, he decided to go with Road Runner, I was like yes finally. Couldn't get what he needed to work, work. Crap! Stuck with dial-up for one more day. Then a guy from Time Warner called on Tuesday to see how everything was going with my dad, and he did something were Road Runner worked. Pretty cool! I love high speed internet.

Now, to what the title means. Nothing serious or scarry news is about to be posted. So don't freak. Couldn't think of a title and that popped into my head. The title means that the time is coming for me to really, really break down in front of Ryan about my mom's death. See I was talking to a friend via email about how hard it is sometimes for me. As some of you know with me telling you and writing it on here. Well, I told my friend that I can't bring myself to cry in front of Ryan. Or even my dad. I don't know what it is with me. I should be able to cry in front of Ryan. But I can't. What goes through my head is this. 'If I cry in front of him, then he will think I am weak, and I want him to think I am really strong and can handle anything.' Well, I know I can't handle everything, and that thinking is just stupid for me to think that. Ryan would never think of me as weak. I know that. I also know that it is something I have to work on. Okay, so I said all that, and more in my email to my friend. Then Sunday rolls around for us to be at church. We went to the Graduation Stepping Stone service. Every year the slideshow makes me cry, had technical difficulties showing it. Okay, so service started I was fine with the opening song, then the second song. And then we had to sing the third song. It was "Bourning Cry." I was like are you kidding me. I wanted that song to be played at my mom's funeral, but Catholics don't know that song, so fine. So her funeral service was playing in my head, and tears normally just lightly flow. Well, not this time. I was getting close to getting up and having a meltdown in the back of church in the community room. I pushed them down. Was fine. Then at communion, another song, one that was played at her funeral. So another crap goes through my head. This time I don't even bother singing the flipping song. It was "On Eagle's Wings." And yet again the same thing happens. And what flashes through my mind again? Her funeral service and her face. The first time I cried, I thought God now is not the time for me to meltdown in front of Ryan. Not in front of people at church. At his apartment is the better place.

So I swear I get to the point were I am good with her death, in a good place, I think I am close to accepting it, and then WHAM! God says, "Nope, your not ready yet. You need to go through this to heal. Too soon for acceptance. Go through all the grief stages frist." Emotions come flooding back to me. Then when I cry, it is like a dam bursts. I can't see, I can't talk, my eyes turn red, and my nose runs. But I do know the time is coming were it will happen in front of him. I just don't know when. Going through this makes me happy to have a strong faith. I didn't have a strong faith when she died. To be honest. I knew in my heart that it was for the better, and she must have been needed by God for something in heaven. That is why she had to leave us so soon. Well, I normally think that way with all my family members that have died. It was really hard to think that and also to think of her in a better place right away. I even got mad at him, but also apologized to him for getting mad at him.

That is why. Listen to the song for my slideshow. Truly everything that is in that song, fits my family and my mom's death. I went to her grave today. I didn't talk to her. I don't think I will, it just isn't the same as when I used to talk to her. I went to look at the plaque that someone put on her grave. It says, "Forgotten forever, remembered in our hearts." I think that is what it says. I could be wrong. I don't remember.

Would it be weird to take a picture of it and post it here? Please let me know. Cuz if it is I won't take a pic of it. If it isn't, I will take a pic of it. Just let me know. I am not sure either way. Well, that is all from the peanut gallery. Until next time.

Jodes