Man it has been a while!

Let's see! What have i been up to since the church Brewer game? Hmmm! I have been dealing with my mom's death much better. I finally opened up more to Ryan about her final weeks here on earth in December. I can talk to him about it, and even cry in front of him. Something which I couldn't do before. See I was under the assumption that if I cried in front of him, he would no longer consider me strong in what I have been through. That he would look at his girlfriend and woman he loves as someone who is weak. Messed up right? Well, I thought that way for 8 years. Now a couple weeks ago I talked to him about that very thing. And he told me I was crazy to think that. Which I know now, I am. I should be able to tell him everything, I mean I consider him my best friend other than Tanya and a couple other girlfriends. I am better with my emotions now. I came up with a new slogan for me that Ryan totally loves.

I am rollercoaster of emotion. You never know what you are going to get.

He likes that one. I do to. I mean I am not totally in the acceptance stage yet, but entering into it slowly. It is hard. I have good days and bad. There are times when Ryan and I are just sitting there, and I push my emotions of that time down too much. And it just blows up in me. Tears start to roll, I burry them, and then I get pissy or touchy. So I am learning, as to is Ryan, to talk more about it. I can talk somedays about my mom without tearing up. Like now, I am not tearing up. I am fine.

But when the grave stone comes to her plot. That will be a hard day. I plan to go down there and place the vase of fake Lilacs and roses that we gave her in the nursing home. My dad told me that is one thing that we can put down there. Other than that, I really am fine.

Good days and bad days will always be there. But I know that she is in a happy place. Especially now that she has Patrick Swayze all to herself. She loves that man soo much it is ridiculous. She loved all of the movies he was in. She even thought he looked handsome when he got older. I didn't. But now honestly she is in heaven (sorry for the pun) having him up there.

I am still doing my Iv treatment once a month and it is going great. My labs are awesome, kidney working beautifully, health is good, and Ryan and I are still busier than ever. Some days busier than others. Man we need to slow down, but being busy is good. We don't get bored then. Well, off to bed. Until next time. I will try to post for frequent now. I kinda forgot about it. See you all on the flip-side.

Jodes