Now I have to let go!

Okay everyone. It has finally hit me. I was fine all day. And tonight when I was watching tv. I watched Private Practice after Grey's Anatomy. Tell me in a comment if you saw both or one of them. I want to hear what you all think. Grey's Anatomy dealt with a transplant or is dealing with a transplant. Now on Private Practice tonight one of the characters had to pull the plug on their parent. Her dad had a trache tube in his neck and the ventilator was turned off. When I saw that all the feelings from January 2nd came rushing back. As I am describing this to you all. I can barely see the computer screen and the keyboard. I am done trying to fight the emotion I feel. I want my mom to come back now so I can talk to her like I used to. I am so done being strong right now. I have the right to be sad, mad, and cry my eyes out. If any of you are crying with me. I am so sorry. And also, if you are it makes me feel good that I am not alone and you all support me so much. So I offically am at the point were the "damn mack truck" hit me.

This is so hard for me to do. Letting her go. She has been my pillar of strength, and comfort. Now my question is. Why? Why did she have to go? I so wanted her to be here to see my brother get married, take pictures with us, a nice family picture get taken, and her to see me in my bridesmaid dress. I also want her there to see Ryan and I get married. Now I don't have my mom around to help me get prepared for marriage. Whenever that happens. I still feel like she is at Manor Care waiting for us to visit her. Like she is going to call us at home and say were are you at. Come visit me and bring me a sub, whopper junior, or something else. I miss her wise cracks. I miss her picking on Ryan like she normally did. I miss her getting under my skin. I just plain miss her. My dad, me, my brother, Ryan, and Melissa (futre sister-in-law) miss her so very much. My grandma is having a hard time with my mom's passing. I just really hate crying wear my nose gets stuffy, eyes get red, and eyes feel dry. But crying is helping me heal. I am so sorry for bringing you all down with this post. I just needed to release and tell you all that it finally happened. And it might take more posts for me to get better. So please bare with me if I blab about my mom at time's. I just need to talk about it. Well, I am off to relax and watch some more tv. Talk to you all soon!

Love to you all!
Jodes :'(

Here is my mom happy!!


And here she is with my brother Jeremy and me!

Let the healing begin

Well, now I can honestly say. That I am starting the healing process. Don't get me wrong, I have been helaing since January 2nd her death. See I am smack dab in the middle of doing the thank you's for all the cards that we have gotten, and will be getting. I was looking through all the ones that I got personally, and noticed some that I haven't read or re-read them. And I started to get tears. I have awesome and sweet friends. My church family rocks big time. And all my friends from high school and from college rock as well. I am so blessed to have such amazing friends. You all are truly helping me with the healing process. And at times, I may start to well up, but that is just me missing my mom that much.

I honestly can't believe how strong I was during the funeral service. And also with the receiving line before the service. I am now finally typing all the addresses on the computer to print them out in label form. So they are all signed "The Family of Jan Kling" and not sure how many more we will need. See we bought them. We did not have them pre-printed. We are buying them in packs of 10. So that is good. Well, I have to finish my supper and then get ready for choir and youth tonight. Talk to you all soon!

Love,
Jodes

Baby it's Cold Outside!

Okay, I know some or most of you are singing the song in your head. Just like it is running through my head. I am having the scene from Elf were Jovie is singing the song in the shower and Buddy is quietly singing the male part. Very cute movie.

Man can we saw "Damn Artcic Blast!" Thanks Canada! Stupid Canada should keep their cold wind chills and snow and whatever else they give us. Weather report form weather bug says that the Wind Chill is -8 and the temp is 3.6. Ooooo! Heat wave with the single digit above zero. :)

It looks so nice outside with the sun shining. Yeah I doubt that it is nice outside. I think I will be staying in today except to only go out in a little while to get a prescription that I can't do without unless my dad will get for me. More than likely will for me. Since he has to take my cell phone in and have them look at it. Stupid thing shuts off after I send a text message. I can make a call, no problem. I can receive a text, no problem. Only is it when I send out a text does it decide to shut down and the restart. It is getting really annoying. To say the least.

And tonight I have to leave Ryan and I have our Board of Ed meeting at church. Then after that we will spend some time together since I didn't see him last night. I went out with two girlfriends. Talk to you all later!

Jodes

Man what a week!

First off I have to say to everyone. My amazing friends, my amazing family, and my most definitely awesome and amazing boyfriend. I have to say thank you to you all. Yout thoughts, kind words, being there to listen to me, coming up to hospital to be with me, say prayers with me and my family, and give me hugs when needed. Also, to be a shoulder to cry when I need it. God put you all in my life for a reason. And now I see why. To help me through the darkest of days that I had coming. You all supported me when I had my transplant. And now you are all supporting me with the lose of my mom. I am ever so greatful to you all. You guys have no clue how much you are helping me. I know it may seem like I am fine. But seriously the God's honest truth is that I am in denial and a little angry. It hasn't hit me yet. So when it hits me like a mack truck, which I know will happen, just please be patient with me. I am not used to these emotions. I might get pissy with some of you, sorry for that ahead of time. It is from the loss of my mom. And I might cry at the drop of a hat. Because of the loss. Just please again, be patient with me.

Now onto my week. Holy crap! Thank God it is over. FINALLY!! Monday was spent ordering a cheese and sausage tray, planning my mom's service, going to Manor Care to get her rings, watch, and bracelets, and then going to the grocery store to get some soda and other stuff for the next few days. After all that was done. We got home. I sat down for a minute or two. Called Ryan and went to his place. I just needed to get away. Tuesday was doing errands for myself and prepping for the funeral the next day. Ryan came over and I made us a home cooked meal, finally. He was getting sick of Hamburger Helper. Hey it is easy. I said either you eat what I make or you make dinner yourself. Get used to it. I might be doing this when we get married. So that makes him shut up about my cooking. Then my dad went down to Kountry Bar about a mile from my house with my mom's siblings. Then his siblings came down. So he called Ryan and I and we went down there for a little bit. Came home and went to bed. Oh, did I forget to mention that day I fell on the stupid ice. Got out of my car, had washer fluid bottle in my hand, and took one step form my car. And boom went down. Normally I fall on my butt. Yeah not this time. I feel forward. First thought when on the ice was crap did I hurt the kidney. Nope I didn't. Kidney is fine, I fell on my belly. knees are scrapped up and bruised. Can't kneel on both knees. Left hand under the palm is cut from a piece of gravel. Stupid gravel. But I am fine.

Wednesday got up at 8am, sat around until about 8:30 or so. Then got ready. Was a really long ass day. I was ready to be done with the recieving line about an hour into it. But we hung in there. There were a lot of people that came through. I looked at the book, and was like how in the h e double hockey sticks did I miss these people. But understandable. We handled the service good, and we all lost it on the way out of church. Following my mom. Right when they started singing "How Great Thou Art." Now I won't be able to sing those without crying.

Thursday was our sleep in day. Felt really good. Then I went in and saw Ryan. Tonight we went up to visit our good friends Becky, Tim, and Isaiah and there new little bundle of joy Mallory Jael Seabaugh. She is so cute, tiny, and precious. She started to cry in my arms, but once I tucked her feet up, and got her warm. She calmed right down. She feel fast asleep in my arms. Her buddy Jodie has the touch. And we listened to Isaiah talk and say baby. And he said sister. Very cute. He was having fun with Mallory's balloon. Then after that we went to church for our 3 Cheers potluck. Very fun. Very good food also. Then we got back to Ryan's. And a friend called, and we met him at Sabre Lanes were Ryan bowled, and I watched. I will bowl next weekend with them. Then came back to Ryan's and crashed. The both of us fell fast asleep.

Tomorrow is my sister-in-laws bridal shower, then bachelorette party after at The Paper Valley Hotel. Spending the night with the ladies. And then Sunday going to be to church by 9 am. Sorry this is so long. I haven't been free or rested up to blog. I will try to keep it up now. I am going to go to bed. I am sneezing like nuts right now. So blow nose, and then off to bed. Nighty night. See you all or most of you Sunday at church.

Jodes

Time Heals All Wounds!

Well that saying is really a hard pill to take right now. I was on my way home this morning from getting a recheck in a lab value. And had a thought. Why not say hey to my mom and tell her that I love her and miss her. Yeah, well better said than done. I should have known that the "water works" were going to happen after I did that and while driving mind you. I was like Damn It! But also asked God to take good care of my mom. Also asked my mom to give all my loved ones a hug for me. Today was the first time that I really had a stream of tears.

I had tears in my eyes on Friday in her room, and then after we walked out. When family was saying their final goodbyes. I hid my head in Ryan's chest and cried. He hugged me so hard, and started to rub my neck. What a sweet guy I have. I could tell he was having a hard time with it, but he was strong for me. His face was red, and I swear he was on the verge of tears. But none came out. I am so happy that I had him there. What was really awesome. Is what my brother did after my mom passed. It was the five of us in her room in the ICU. And he looked at Ryan and said thank you for being with us, and said the same thing to his fiance. My brother also gave me one of the biggest hugs ever. I love him and my dad so much. And a couple family members are really helping us out. And now the rest is starting to pi$$ us off. Get under my skin and my dad's. Like we can't do make any decisions on our own, or that we need help with certain things.

There are certain things that we want to do together as a family to help us get through this. Man I want to get pi$$y, but I am biting my tongue. I am being a good girl. If any of you see me, and I am quiet. That means I am missing my mom, and probably mad (really mad) at someone. But I will be fine. No worries on that. I am a fighter and strong. I am going to take a little mini nap before my dad and I have to go and plan the funeral service. I am so over joyed to plan that. But I told my dad I want to feel like I am doing something. He said just being there is helping him. But I don't feel like I am doing anything. I want to help in other ways, other than doing the collage that my brother, his fiance, and me did last night. We had fun though looking at the pics. Until next time.

Jodes

The light at the end of the tunnel!!

My mom has gone into the light so see God, my grandpa (my mom's dad), my other grandpa (my dad's dad), my grandma (my dad's mom), my uncle Ron, my uncle Rick, and my cousin's Brian and Kurt. And also everyone else that she knows that has gone on before her. I am doing pretty well. I have moments of tears. But she is happier, healthier, in no pain, and whooping it up with my grandpa.

We were at the hospital by 10 this morning to have a fmaily care conference with the doctors. And we decided as a family to take her off of the ventilator. So we called my mom's side, and my dad called his side. To see who all wanted to come up to say goodbye to them. Then about 3:30 Ryan came up to be my Rock and shoulder. We went in as a family the 5 of us, and said our goodbyes, then everyone else came in. And we said a prayer with her, and said our final good byes.

Then we all went back to the wating room area so they could take the tube out of her. So we all sat there. Then three aunts got up and so did to go in her room so she wouldn't be alone. That is when I saw her breathing hard, and after a moment she opened her eyes to look at my two aunts. Then after a while she looked at me and my other aunt. Then her nurse came in and asked if she had a favorite song. So we sang Amazing Grace and You are my Sunshine. Then about 6:15 or so she starting taking her last breathes. Like she was grasping for air, but nothing. So now she is with God in heaven in his loving arms. And she is also with all our loved ones that wen before her.

Now, when you all see me. Please don't cause a big fuss. I am okay now. Not sad, and not relieved. I am numb from all this. So thank you to everyone who has given their kind words, prayers, support, visits, hugs, and listening. Amongst other things that I don't quite rememebr right now. I am finally off to bed now. Woke up at 8 and will get up at 8 or 8:30 tomorrow morn. So off to bed. Good night to all!

Jodes :'(

Decision Time!

Well, Tuesday we (my dad, brother, three doctors, and me) had a meeting with the doctors that are treating my mom. My brother, dad, and I were there. Not so good news. We were told today that we are coming to the time were we will have to make the decision to have them put in a tracheotomy tube so she can have a more permanent way of breathing. Also, we made a family decision not to resuscitate her if she codes or has a heart attack. That way we feel that she will go more naturally. Then we don't feel guilty if we make the decision of not doing the tracheotomy. And if they do that procedure, they will also put a feeding tube in her belly. The doctors also said that if she would recover. She won't be the same as what we remember. So we are fighting with the fact that she might not know we are there, or what is going on. Like we aren't sure if she knows we are there or not.

So we are having another meeting on Friday with the doctors to give them our decision. Of what way we want to go. See if they keep the ventilator tube in, then that could damage her vocal cords. We are thinking of not doing the procedure because we are starting to really think of what she would want if she could talk. And honestly. She doesn't want to be put on life support, and she doesn't want to live if she isn't going to be herself. Like she doesn't want to be a vegetable. Which is what she might be. Not full blown, but not a good quality of life. We are all thinking the same. We talked as a family after the doctors left. And said that none of us want my mom to suffer.

Yesterday she had a Cat-scan done and no change stroke wise. Friday before we meet again (my dad, brother, me, and three doctors) we will have the results from her MRI that they are doing that morning.

So please for us. As we need guidance, strength, and comfort in what decision we make. Thank you everyone for your support, prayers, and kind words. It will still be an emotional draining time for me which ever way we go. So please bare with me.

Will update tomorrow on what we decide. Stay in touch!

Jodes