Now I have to let go!

Okay everyone. It has finally hit me. I was fine all day. And tonight when I was watching tv. I watched Private Practice after Grey's Anatomy. Tell me in a comment if you saw both or one of them. I want to hear what you all think. Grey's Anatomy dealt with a transplant or is dealing with a transplant. Now on Private Practice tonight one of the characters had to pull the plug on their parent. Her dad had a trache tube in his neck and the ventilator was turned off. When I saw that all the feelings from January 2nd came rushing back. As I am describing this to you all. I can barely see the computer screen and the keyboard. I am done trying to fight the emotion I feel. I want my mom to come back now so I can talk to her like I used to. I am so done being strong right now. I have the right to be sad, mad, and cry my eyes out. If any of you are crying with me. I am so sorry. And also, if you are it makes me feel good that I am not alone and you all support me so much. So I offically am at the point were the "damn mack truck" hit me.

This is so hard for me to do. Letting her go. She has been my pillar of strength, and comfort. Now my question is. Why? Why did she have to go? I so wanted her to be here to see my brother get married, take pictures with us, a nice family picture get taken, and her to see me in my bridesmaid dress. I also want her there to see Ryan and I get married. Now I don't have my mom around to help me get prepared for marriage. Whenever that happens. I still feel like she is at Manor Care waiting for us to visit her. Like she is going to call us at home and say were are you at. Come visit me and bring me a sub, whopper junior, or something else. I miss her wise cracks. I miss her picking on Ryan like she normally did. I miss her getting under my skin. I just plain miss her. My dad, me, my brother, Ryan, and Melissa (futre sister-in-law) miss her so very much. My grandma is having a hard time with my mom's passing. I just really hate crying wear my nose gets stuffy, eyes get red, and eyes feel dry. But crying is helping me heal. I am so sorry for bringing you all down with this post. I just needed to release and tell you all that it finally happened. And it might take more posts for me to get better. So please bare with me if I blab about my mom at time's. I just need to talk about it. Well, I am off to relax and watch some more tv. Talk to you all soon!

Love to you all!
Jodes :'(

Here is my mom happy!!


And here she is with my brother Jeremy and me!