Today is a day of rememberance!

Wow were did the year go? To me it seemed like yeasterday we were going to the hospital everyday to see mom, getting updates everyday we went there, and updates on the phone when we weren't there. Also, having meetings with her team of doctors, spending time with the nurses taking care of her, and telling my mom everyday how much she is loved, and to try to get her to relax so she can rest. I can honestly tell you I am 100% healed from her death. Not even close. I do though have good days and bad days. I seem to be having more bad days right now, than good. Especially when my dad and I are sitting at night talking. We talk about when my mom was in the hosptial and I start to get teary eyed. I tell him I still feel guilty for being mad at her before she got sick. And he keeps telling me not to think that way and that she forgives me.

Okay everyone can tell me that all they want, but it is easier said than done. I still beat myself up about it, about what I said to her and how I left things. I really am trying to get past that, but it is hard.

Onto today. It is hard. Today or tonight is when she died at Theda Clark. So I am thinking of going down to her grave. But not sure yet. It is kinda cold outside and brisk. I might just wait until there is no below zero wind chill. I have her picture to look at and the many memories of her in my head. Tonight will be spending it with Ryan. He knows what today is so he is prepared for me to have meltdowns. Tonight we will be watching my cousin's kids, playing and having fun, and trying to get my mind off of what today is. Talk to you all soon! See most of you at church tomorrow.

Jodes