Powerful words!

Man what can I say. Just when I think I am getting to the point of being able to deal with my mom's death I hear a song on the radio for the first time that makes me cry. I mean really breakdown. At the time of her passing, I was feeling angry, denial, guilt, and sorrow all rolled into one. Anger because I was mad at God for taking my mom away from at such a young age who was really looking forward to my brother's wedding. I mean really looking forward to it. Also, I had anger toward my whole family. I felt like they were all looking to me to be the strong person. that if I started to cry, then everyone else would start. Everyone was coming and looking at me for strength. I kind of got really peeved, but not to anyone. Just would vent in my prayers to God. I have never told anyone this before. I feel kind of guilty being mad at them for not doing it intentionally, but that is how I felt. Denial because I felt like it was dream and we were going to wake up or recieve a call and say, just kidding I am fine. Didn't happen. Guilt because my dad and I felt so guilty deciding her fate. I feel like we decided her fate with giving up on her. Remember this was then not now. With guilt comes the second thought of all the what it's. Like what if we would have gone through with the trache and she recovered 100%. Not likely though. Lastly, sorrow because of the loss of my mom.

Now the song in question that I am talking about plays on my slideshow. It is Alan Jackson's "Sissy Song". I heard for the first time this week on Monday I think. I completely broke down. It so speaks how my dad, brother, and I are feeling, and what we are going through. But also at the same time gives us comfort. Listening to it once for the first time made me cry, now I can listen to it and it gives me comfort. Kind of like it a message from God saying that it is okay to miss her, and so you know she doesn't want you to be sad. She is okay and having a ball in heaven.

Okay. Now that it has been over 4 months since her death. I am finally to the place were I get comfort from God. I have apologized to him for getting mad at him when she died. But I think God understands when we get mad at him, as long as it is only temporary. Not permanent. He knows I wasn't really mad at him, I was just hurting that much. Mother's Day like i have said in a previous blog post went better than I thought it would. I had tears in my eyes looking at the cards for your mom. I miss picking out a card for my mom. She always liked the one's I picked. But I did buy a card for my grandma like I always did and for my aunt. My aunt because she is like my second mom really. And has been there with my through everything. I gave her the card, wrote a little message in it, and almost made her cry. But she didn't. She said that I am practially part of their family anyway's. I am like their adopted child.

I think God says to me. Wait a minute on the healing part. You aren't healed yet. So he lets stuff hit me like a mack truck. Praying for him to help me heal is working. I am no longer mad at my family. Only at times when certain things bug me. But not for the reason I mentioned before. I do at times cry, but Ryan is getting used to it. It is really strange at what makes me cry when watching tv or a movie.

So now onto a happy subject. Ryan and I are going to see the new Star Trek movie at Regal. We are seeing a matinee because regular price is way to steep for us. $6.50 before 5pm, after it is $9. Haha! I don't think so. So I will blog tomorrow to let you know how the movie was. And will give you Ryan's offical take on the movie. Have to get ready for our 4pm showing. I have to be to his place by 2:30 or 3. So good bye for now.

Live long and prosper! ;D
Jodes

Labs and what not!

Well, today my labs were perfect. I mean perfect because if you haven't seen on Facebook, my creatnine came down, and that makes for one happy girl. So happy that cutting back on soda, and drinking more water is working. I am at least trying to get 64 oz of water in me a day. Man that makes for one long night when you are trying to sleep. Wow, I feel at times that I will float away, and going so much is getting to Ryan. But I tell him it is better than what it could be like if I didn't go as much. He says you have a point. Duh! I don't want to say what that alternative would be, you probably have guessed it. But I will, losing the kidney. If going to the bathroom would lessen then that means we have a problem. Not good that could mean rejection. Which is not good either.

So now, I am trying to get my monthly Iv treatment set-up up here so I don't need to do it next month in Madison when we go down there. I mean yes it would be coonvenient to do it when I am down there for a check-up, but I go down there the week of VBS and I am in charge of games again. Which I don't want to miss. I love teaching the kids and families games. That makes me happy to hear that the kids can't wait to see what I have planned next. I will see if this year tops last year's games. Last year's was AWESOME! Becky, we will be doing the "Soda Explosion" during youth some time. Trust me. I have the thing that will drop all the mentos into the soda bottle quicker.

I am just affraid that if I do the chck-up and Iv treatment down there, I will either miss VBS games, which means Ryan has to do it for me, or I will be late. I don't want that to happen. I don't need Ryan or Leann to freak out. So I know I will get my Iv treatments done up here. All I have to do is ask, and make sure it gets done. My Transplant Coordinator is working on it as I type this, hopefully. If not today, then tomorrow she will work on it.

So that is about it from the peanut gallery. I am off to Ryan's to spend some time with him, to eat tacos, and then to church for dartball. Talk to you all soon!

Hugs and kisses!
Jodes

Health Update thus far on me!

Everything seems to be getting back on track. Last Thursday I went down to Madison for a check-up. It went really good, actually better than I thought it would go. I am so skiddish when I go down there now. I was thinking great, day before the lock-in and they will keep me. But no such luck. All my numbers are coming down, I am so happy for that. And thank God every day for that as well.

My WBC (white blood cell count) is coming down FINALLY! If it higher than normal, that means my body is fighting something. If it is lower than normal, that means I can sick really easy. Kind of confusing I know. I get that mixed up all the time. I always reverse them, but oh well. I get corrected and say duh to myself. Anyway's, I will be getting one round of my Iv treatment every month starting next month just to keep the antibodies down. This is a way of them being proactive. Which is a relief.


On a completely different note. I just purchased for myself a Croppin Companion. Here is a picture from the website (www.scrapbook.com).



Here are the details of the Croppin Companion:
Croppin’ Companion Commuter Tote has a place to store and transport all your essential scrapbooking supplies. A large section for Croppin’ Companion Planning Folders, Binder, albums, and additional supplies and a divided section for embellishments and tools...-even a special long section for your 12” cutter. It’s all you need to go out to crop! Special Features:
Padded handles and shoulder strap
Separate section for tools
Four movable/removable divided sections including one long section for 12” cutter
Zippered flap to keep contents enclosed
Large open section for planning folders, binder, albums, 12 x 12 papers etc.
Outside pockets for drinks, cell phone, keys, etc.
Multiple uses in and out of scrapbooking

Also, here is what I just purchased at Joann.com with a coupon for 40% off.


Details:
Two-rail system for cross stitch, needlepoint or embroidery. No basting, tacking or tools required. Fabric moves back and forth on ratchet ing "S" dowels. Easily insert project into dowels, place dowels onto frame and tighten. Simply loosen dowels to advance your project. Helps save wear and tear on your needlecraft projects.

So enjoy! I am going to go. Until next time all!

Jodes

Mother's Day!

Wow I thought today would have been really hard. Actually, I did better than I thought I would. I am really proud of myself. I did worse at the Mother/Daughter breakfast about two weeks ago, I think it was that long ago. That time was worse for me. I think God prepared me to have a hard time with that, so Mother's Day wouldn't be so dreadful and hard. I wasn't dreading it because I was pre-occupied Friday into Saturday morning. See we had the youth lock-in Friday night into Saturday morning. We had 18 kids and 6 adults. Everyone had a good time, told me thank you for planning it, they all had fun, and they can't wait for next year. Which makes me feel good. Also, to kill time between activities, I asked Pastor Tim if he could do highs and lows for the week. So we did that, and a couple of the kids said that their high of the week was coming to the lock-in. I was like "Aww what sweet kids." So after a while came to me, of course my high was also coming to the lock-in, since I missed it last year, and I had no lows for the week.

Now that night on Saturday we had Girls night. Very fun and good food. Lonewolf is awesome. Next month's place will be Texas Roadhouse with a date yet to come. After that July's place will be yet to be determined.

Okay now onto Sunday. I thought churh was going to be hard. Well, not as bad as previously thought. I only teared up during the Children's Message at church. Then for no apparent reason while Pastor Seabaugh was saying his sermon I teared up a couple times. It started to get so bad that I couldn't see Pastor at all. But no tears came falling down. I pushed them down. That happened about two times. Other than that, church went great. Then on the way out I got wished "Happy Mother's Day." I was like "what?" I am not a mom, I have no kids. Pastor Koeller said sorry it was habit. I said that is okay. But Ryan was like "Hey Buddy we don't have any kids yet." But if you think about it, the youth kind of feel like our kids at times. By the way they tick us off when they do something wrong, don't listen to us, and confide in us stuff that they wouldn't tell their parents. A couple of them feel comfortable enough to tell us anything they want. Which is the way we want it. So technically no kids, that we know of. :D Hahaha! I kind of gave him a dumbfounded look and I think Ryan was shocked. So that is about all for now.

Thank you to everyone who has sent me emails today that they are all thinking of me. Thank you! It means the world to me. And it also means the world to me knowing that I am not the only one going through this. If anyone ever wants to kind of know what I am going through. Think of it this way. This is the best way to explain how I feel. Think about never being able to hug, kiss, talk, shop, or anything else you can think of that you would do with your mom. Not being able to pick up the phone and call your mom and tell her about the days happenings or share some happy news. Never see you get married, see your kids at all, and etc. This is what I go through every day. I miss not being able to talk to my mom, give her a hug, visit her, have her pi$$ me off, or get her anything. I just plainly miss her. Now I am tearing up, but none will fall. I swear. Okay, before I go any deeper for you all, I will end this blog. At least before I make any of you tear up. If I haven't already. If I have, I am sorry. So not my intention.

So talk to you on the flip side all! Kisses to all of you! Also, hugs to you all as well.


Here is a happier time with my mom.

This is my brother Jeremy, my mom, and me at Manor Care for her birthday about 8 to 7 1/2 years ago.

Jodes

New Look: Take 1

The reason I am adding "take 1" is because Ryan has to take my picture tonight. I have short a$$ arms, and I look like crap in them. My pictures really don't do my hair justice. It really is cute. I was just home alone, and trying to do it sucked.

So here it goes. Pic one is the front, then the back (sort of), then front again with about the 5 or 6th try. I mean seriously it is hard taking a picture of yourself alone. Try it, you will know what I mean.







Hope you enjoy! More to come later!

Jodes

Slow weekend!

Nothing much has gone on this weekend. I am pretty bored and lost without Ryan here. Now I got a glimpse into how he feels when I am in Madison stuck in the hospital. It sucks. You never realize how much you do together and love being around the other person, until you can't be around them for an extended period of time.

Some of you probably don't know that he left Thursday night to go out to his parent's house turkey hunting. I am happy to report that he shot a turkey Friday morning at like 7. It weighed in at 21 lbs. and had a 9 1/2 inch beard. Trust me, for those that don't hunt or don't know much about hunting, this is one big a$$ bird. It will be a lot of meat, and one heck of a display. We should have the young adult crew over to Ryan's, or some of them apartment isn't that big but big enough. Then you can see all his "wildlife" that he killed. He is so proud and I don't care. I guess I am just proud of him. That he works so hard at hunting, and loves to show off his tropies. No fish mounted, yet. Probably would a replica if he catches one that is huge. Not sure though. It is just mainly turkey displays, antlers, a deer rug (from the first deer he shot), a bear rug, and a bear skull. And a platter of a buck that my grandma painted for him. Oh, and he saves the bulletts to what he kills also. Some sort of weird thing for him. I know he has told me, but I can't remember why. Jen, maybe Ken could tell you. I don't know.

He is coming home today, actually should be in Beaver Dam by now or so. It takes 3 1/2 hours to get there and obviously the same back. He more than likely left around 4 or 4:30. So should be home about 7:30 or 8 pm. Not sure though. He surprises me sometimes. But I sure do miss him. I told him that on the phone and he said yeah right. I was like yes I do. I know you miss me as well. He said nope, it is nice having peace and quiet. But I know he misses me just like i miss him.

I didn't do much. Friday I just hung out at home and relaxed. Nice to do that every once in a while. Saturday I got some cheap new flip flops from Kohls ($20 on sale and are comfy). Saturday night I made peanut butter cookies (the one's I made and brought to the youth that one night) they were a huge hit. Today I went to church to help out with Fellowship, cleaned up, went to Pastor Seabaugh's bible study, then went to church sitting with Becky and Mallory (who had to tell me stories and smile and stare at me. So cute). This afternoon, I ate lunch at Perkins with a friend. After that I met Jessie at Walmart and we got the lock-in supplies. Wow, I never new I could spend so much and none of it was for me personally. Church will most definitely reimbursing me or the youth account will. Not sure. Tonight though I made German Potato salad, and my dad is grilling brats. Yummy! This is my first brat of the summer season. I can't wait.

I am going to get going. That is about it from the peanut gallery. Until next time!

Jodes

Hair cut Tuesday!

I am excited yet a little nervous to get my hair cut short. I will try to find a before picture. I don't want to take one now, because I am liking the fact that my cheecks are flipping puffy from the prednisone. So I will look through what I have and see what I find. Also, I will post the hair style I want my cousin to do.

Before short hair style:

This goes to show how long my hair was at the back.


This is the cut I want. Obviously the girls hair cut. Hope you enjoy. I hope it turns out good.

I couldn't find any pictures of me without having a ponytail in. I mean that is a sign what I need a new hair style. Right? I can't do anything with it, I always put it up. This way it will be down. I am thinking this short with layers. I think it is layered, not sure. Enjoy!

Jodes