From now until after January 7th.....

My mood might not be the greatest. See my mom died on January 2nd, like most of you know. And her funeral was on January 7th. I have been doing pretty good. Christmas came and went with no meltdown's from me. I just went through the motions. That's all. That was until today. Up at my grandma's we had Christmas for my mom's side of the family. All was going good, until my mom's siblings, my brother, and my dad got a picture of my mom. Don't worry I have one! My aunt still has it, she just has to give it to me. That's all. But this picture you have to see it. It is how Jeremy and I want to remember mom. How she used to be before she got sick many many years ago. I opened my dad's present, and I held back tears. Then I looked at my dad by my grandma who gave him his gift. It is a pillow made out of my moms new/unused mightgown she never got to wear. See my mom loved Leopard print ever since she was a child. And that was the print of the pillow. I will take a picture of it tomorrow and post it for all to see

But I even teared up then when I saw the pillow, but choked back tears. I new if I started, I would get all my aunt's started and my grandma. Didn't want to cause that. I just so badly want her back. To talk to, hold, hug, have her hold me, and give me advice. I am blessed to have an aunt that took me under her wing, she promised my mom that she would take care of me. She hasn't let my mom down yet. Nor has she let my dad down. But I have to say, that with my mom's death. My dad, brother, and I are closer than we were in the past. Mainly my dad and I. Since I snapped at him once, when he harping on my for some reason. I told him that I would really like to talk to him since I only have one parent left. Man was he quiet in a second. And ever since his tune has changed with me. It is kind of nice, I just don't like having to say that for him to talk to me like a normal person. And not as a person living in his house. I am his daughter, I am sorry that I look and act a lot like mom, but that is one thing I can't change. I have tried to change acting like my mom, doesn't work. So I have succumb to it.

It is also nice to know that my brother has my bakc no matter what. And he is there if me or Ryan need him and my SIL. Next year, in the new year I mean, we might be doing more with my brother and SIL. That would be cool. Well, enough rambling for now. I am going to go to bed. I have lunch with cousins and two aunts, then an interview at 1:30 in Neenah, and then make Ryan supper at his place. He will need me to pamper him after a busy busy day at work. He will be pooped and tired.

Now time for bed. Night all! Until next time. If I don't blog before Friday! Have a safe and Happy New Year!!! Happy 2010!!!
Jodes

Will I ever stop missing my mom?

Hmmm! That is a really good question. I am thinking no. But as I look at that question, I know as of right now I will not stop missing her. I am finding out that the closer it gets to Christmas the crappier my days are. Yesterday was not a good day at all. I actually broke down at Ryan's, so we talked about what wa bothering me. He is such a sweet loving man to help me through this. I know in his heart he wishes he could take my pain away. But he can't. No one can other than God. He is the only one that can help me heal.

Getting ready for Christmas is getting to be hard. It really feels like something is missing. Obviously something or someone is missing. I also know that the first Christmas is the hardest. I really do know that. It just sucks big time.

But I do have many things to be thankful for at Christmas. I am also trying to find the real meaning of Christmas. I mean, I know the real meaning. Just trying to find it in my heart. So when you see now, until after the New Year. I may look fine, but I really am not. I am crying on the inside. I am putting on a front. Just pull me aside and hug me or just go ahead and hug me.

Oh, another reason this weekend sucks is because this is the weekend my mom went into the hospital and then everything just snowballed for 2 weeks. So I will try to think positive, stay strong, and remember the happy times. But those happy times make me cry and miss her more. I am trying to take it one day at a time. So have a good rest of the day. I will try to keep up to date on this blog. If I don't have a Merry Christmas and a Blessed New Year!!

Jodes

Tis the season to be thankful!!

This has been one heck of a year. I can't believe it is almost Christmas already. It seems like just yesterday my mom was here, and then everything went downhill from there. With my mom's death, came a birth of a new second cousin, and me gaining a sister that I longed for so many years.

I know some of you are like she is not talking about her mom's death again, and the rest of you feel sorry for me for not having my mom here anymore. Well, first off I want to say to the one's that are sick of me talking about this. I am sorry you are bothered with this, but you have no clue how close I was with my mom. She was my mom/and best friend rolled into one. She is what the "World's Best Mom" medal is based after. She listened with an open ear, and unjudgmental with whatever my brother and I had to tell her. She never got mad or short tempered at us when were older. Yes obviously when we were younger she did, but she had to. She is the reason I am the person, woman I am today all because of her. And my brother is the man he is because of her to. If I can be half the woman she was on the inside, I would be lucky.

Now onto the one's that feel sorry for me. I am not looking for pity or empathy. Really I am not. I just want her here to be able to talk to when I need her. To give me words of wisdom, to just see her would be a blessing and a wish come true. So from now until after the New Year's I might not be my happy self, and if I am pull me aside when you see me and give me a hug. Cuz I am just putting on a front for everyone else. I am really sad, and crying on the inside because I miss her. I know Pastor Tim and Pastor Marty will tell me to look for the fact that she is at the Ultimate Celebration in heaven. Yes I believe she is. I really also hope, they don't include in their sermon on Sunday that at a funeral you know when people believed and are in heaven. Or something to that extent. Cuz whenever Pastor Tim does that, he looks at me I swear and I start to get chills and almost lose it. That is when I or Ryan move closer to each other at church.

I know she is in heaven. I know that for a fact. And I also know, with Ryan's help from talking about this, that we did make the best decision in the long run. No matter how much it hurt to do it, we did what was best with what we were presented with. I mean like Ryan told me this week, she really only lived for an hour with no breathing help. So she couldn't have lived a normal life without that help. Also, she didn't want us to keep her alive like a vegetable.

I told this to Ryan. I am saying this here. I have only one regret before she died. I wish the last time I talked to her and saw at Manor Care, that I was kinder and not yell at her. See I went to visit her, but she feel asleep on me. I tried to wake her up, and she yelled at me. So I got snippy back with her. So I wheeled her back to her room so she could to lay down. I left kinda miffed cuz I came to see her and this happened. Then before I knew it a day or so past and all this crap happened. That is one thing I wish I could take back.

Do you think she forgave me for that? Do you also think she could hear us when we were talking to her on her death bed? Just wondering. Thanks everyone!

Jodes

Thanksgiving Trekkers 2010 and Mom's headstone!!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! Ryan and I walked today with my aunt's Jill and Patti, Uncle Rick, cousin's Rachel, Lauren, and Troy. The other walkers were friends of my Aunt Jill's sister Lynn. My aunt Jill's sister Lynn was their with her daughter Cori, along with Cori's family. We walked from the trail over by Evergreen Drive and Ballard (by Shopko Express) to French Road and back. Pfew it was long, but I DID IT! So proud of myself, and Ryan was also. Granted I was bringing up the rear, but at least I finished it and didn't peter out. I walked my pace and that was fine with me.

Now onto after the walk. Ryan and I went to Saint Edward's Cemetary to see my mom's headstone. First off! Is it headstone or gravestone? My dad and I aren't really sure. Anyway's, Ryan and I were extremely impressed with what my dad had picked out. Yes I took pictures to share. I only took 5 or 6 pictures. It was cold in the wind. So enjoy the pics!


View of the whole gravesite. Yes that is a tree that is by her. I think that was pretty cool. She has a shade tree, cuz she was always hot.
Better view of the "In Loving Memory" stone that was in one of the plants we got. My dad fashioned the stand for it.


View of the whole headstone headstone.


View of just the headstone.


The "In Loving Memory" plaque and the other plaque that we have no clue were it came from. Not sure who put it there. My family isn't saying.


The wood cross that my grandma painted for the grave marker. My uncle cut out the cross for her as well.


Close-up view of the headstone. Name and dates, with view of the cross.

Happy Thanksgiving Everyone!!
Jodes

2nd Annual Turkey Trekkers!!

I am walking with my aunt Jill's family in this one this year. Money that was raised goes to the Harbor House, food donations go to the Food Pantry, and they also adopted a family at Harbor House also. It is all going to be in the name of my aunt Jill's brother Jim who passed away about a month or two ago, and in memory of my mom as well. The walk is at 8am. I am attaching the file.

2nd ANNUAL THANKSGIVING TREKKERS

WHEN: THANKSGIVING DAY 8AM
WHERE: (same trail as last year)parking by the Shopko Express on evergreen and French Rd.

Cash donations will go to Harbor House
Non perishable food donations will go to St. Joe’s Pantry
Come join us for some fresh air before the big feast!!!!!

Jodes

So much to be thankful for!!

This year, like years past I am so very thankful for everything God has blessed me with. Instead of saying in sentences what I am thankful for, I am going to make a list. To me that is so much easier. So here it s.

1)My belief in God
2)My health
3)My family (that includes Ryan and his family also)
4)My amazing friends(friends at church, from college, and friends from Ryan's work)
5)My mom
6)My tremendous support system
7)The air I breath (I know weird, but I am thankful for that since 3 yrs ago I had issues breathing)
8)The many abilities God has given me to demonstrate his AMAZING love
9)My kind nature, abiility to be a good listener, and friendly personality
10)The smile that God gave me to cheer people up

So this is my brief list of what I am thankful for this year. Yes number 5 is what I am thankful for, but that is also what I feel is missing.

A brief look into how we used to spend Turkey Day when she was home and not sick. We would watch the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade, among the other parades that were on. Then I would also make what we needed to bring to my grandma's for Thaksgiving Day celebration at her place. We would get up there, and then have good fellowship with family, eat great food, watch FOOTBALL, and then make new memories. Granted this isn't the first Holiday without her. We did have Easter with her being gone this year. That was actually okay. Ryan's parents were up here and they kept us busy. Ryan's mom and I went shopping, and the boys did their annual trip to Fleet and Scheels. But we had fun and that was good. I needed it.

Granted I miss my mom a bunch, wish I could just talk to her and have her talk back to me, give her a hug, and just plain 'ol just see her. I am fine. I can talk about her death now, and use the word death more now than passing. And I am not crying as I type this. The only time I cry, when talking about my mom's death is when I need to talk to Ryan about it. That is the only time I cry. Unless at church it is All Saint's Day, no songs are played from her funeral or the one's that she liked. I am fine at church then. I bring kleenex with me for that just in case moment.

Well, my mom's headstone is down by her grave. I won't be seeing today, but I will ask Ryan tomorrow if we can do it together. Since I am not quite ready to go down there by myself and see it. At least not the first time. I will take my camera with me, so you all can see it also. It should look pretty cool. But I will have a picture to prove it and you guys can decide. Well, not sure if I will blog tomorrow or Friday. So either way I will have a pic up of her gravestone.

Happy Thanksgiving all! Have safe travels to where ever you are going if you are going anywhere. Tomorrow is walk at 8am with my family (will post the flyer in another blog shortly), change clothes, go to Ryan's watch the parade (if I can convince Ryan too), watch the Packer game with Ryan and a friend, and then go to my grams for Thanksgiving Dinner with a butt load of food (not weight watchers friendly but I will try to practice portion control) and punch.

Jodes

My health rollercoaster!!

Man what a week. Let's see were to start? Well, let's start form the beginning. Monday I had my routine labs done, and then took my frist solo trip to my Green Bay Transplant Clinic appointment. It took me like 30 minutes to get there. I only had to sit for maybe only 5 minutes to get in and to weigh-in and then get my vital signs checked. After that my PA came in and she had me lay on the table to look at were my kidney is, and to check my breathing. Then I sat back down in my chair, and we started talking about my labs. Okay my creatnine has been flucuating (going up and down) and my antibody level came up a little bit. Well, she got concerned and went to talk to my doctor. I was like son of a nutcracker. No don't talk to him. He will have me come down to Madison like right away. But that wasn't the case. She said that they wanted be down to Madison within the week to do a kidney biopsy. I should have taken that as a clue that my doctor wasn't freaking out, so I shouldn't. Umm that wasn't the case in my head. My train of thought always go to the worst.

So I went to talk the lady that was going to schedule my biopsy. I picked the date for Friday of last week obviously. So I talked to my dad when I got back from my appointment. He told me that he is not able to take me down there. He will not be able to take off since most of the guys down at his work took off for gun hunting. So I put a call into my aunt Jill to see if she would be able to take me down there. And low and behold she was able to take me.

Now it is friday! The night before my biopsy I was all jittery and nervous at Ryan's. Pretty close to tears when I would talk to Ryan about this. I was freaking out. But he kept telling me that they won't keep me down there, that it is only antibodies causing all this chaos. And he was right. Man is he smart. I only got about 3-4 hours of sleep the night before. I had to wake up at 4:30 am to get myself ready. My aunt came over at 5 to pick me up. Then we took the 2 hr and 15 minutes trip down there. I normally fall asleep on the way down there, this time I didn't. Because I knew she didn't quite were she was going. I got us there with directions, and I got my labs and then went downstairs to clinic to get checked in. Then we were in the clinic for like 8 hours at least. Man that sucks. It was so boring. Then I got wheeled into the Biopsy Room, with my aunt in tow. Kidney has good blood flow (Pfew on that), and then my doctor came in. Another sign I should have relaxed more. He was telling me that he thinks it is just my antibodies causing all this. He was going over all the options that we can do, if that is the case. I should have believed him. But I think with him saying that, I relaxed or my relaxtion had to do with the sedation they gave me. Man it knocked me out afterwards. But only for a freaking hour. I think I kinda remember my aunt telling me that she was going to get lunch. I don't know. I woke up to Roseanne's voice on the tv. I can't get off the bed or move too much for 4 hours. Remote was over by my aunt's chair. I think. Anyway's I woke up thinking were did my aunt go. Did she go wandering?

I should have known better about her wandering. She has never been down there before. She would have gotten lost. So the first hour I had to lay literally flat with vitals getting checked ever 15. Then after the first hour my head got propped up and they brought in a bag lunch. Sorry I have to say this Madison! Your food is normally AMZING! But your bag lunches SUCK big time! I mean you get raw veggies (always freaking frozen) my radishes had ice chips in them and wow were they cold on my warm teeth, a cup of honey dew, and a turkey sandwich on wheat bread. Okay I love turkey, but not Madison's turkey. I love thin cut turkey. They have thick cut, tasteless. Adding mayo or mustard still makes it suck. So I passed on that one. I had a bottle of water. BIG MISTAKE on the water. Remember I can't get off the bed for 4 hours. Hahaha! I was asked if I have abdominal pain. I said only because I have to pee, other than that nope. So 4 hours passed by slowly, especially the last hour. That was the longest hour ever. The minute I got permission to get up, I sat up. Let my body acclomate (sp?) to sitting up. Then I got up slowly. I walked out into the hallway. I should have had a camera. The nurses desk is right there. There jaws dropped. I said I am not escaping. I have no shoes on. They said we aren't worried about that your aunt is your ride and she won't let you escape, but are you abel to get up. I said yes, I am passed 4 hours. They said okay. So relief came. I was like AHHHHHHH!
Then we waited for the results to come back around 4 or so. The doctor said there is no change from the last biopsy in March. It is still Acute Mediated Antibody Rejection. You probably are like HUH? Okay what that means is my antibodies are going after the kidney to try to kill it off. So they have to combat that with giving me high dose of steriods, my Iv treatment (that I was doing once a month now I do it once a week for one month), re-evaluate at clinic in January in GB, and see how my antibody level is. If it didn't come down, then we will be doing the Iv medication of Retuximeb(i think that is spelled right). That helps kill off some the antibodies to save the kidney. Which means we can do that outpatient also. And then maybe do Plasmapheresis also to help with that also. But that is if the number doesn't come down. Only if it comes up.

So I got my high dose of prednisone Iv form before I was discharged. Then the Tx (transplant) Coordinator who is taking the place of my coordinator since she is off on Friday's. She went over the prednisone taper at home, wrote me script for the pred, told me to get my red-tube sent in before my clinic visit. The red tube is the antibody level tube that gets mailed in. I plan on to that the week before I go to GB clinic so I don't forget to do it.

With me having the high doses of pred, I have to check blood sugar again. Which is okay. Another side effect of high dose pred is increased appetite. After I am done with the checking of my blood sugar. I plan to stay on the meal plan, or the Lifestyle plan along with Weight Watchers to help me lose weight. I only now, have soda when my blood sugar is low and I need it up. That helped me this morning. I was getting low. Well, I am home, feeling great, caught up on sleep last night. Can't wait to drive tomorrow to my Iv treatment, and feel more self suffcient. Gonig to check my blood sugar so I can eat lunch. Talk to all later! Have a wonderful Monday!

Jodes

Camp Luther Weekend!

Well, I can finally say that I have been to Camp Luther. It was so beautiful up there and quiet. I loved it. I have some pretty cool pics to share as well. But I completely forgot to take a picture of the Camp Luther sign. I know what kind of scrapbooker am I that I forgot to take that pic. I had good intentions to do it. But come Saturday when we were done with the "slave labor", I was too tired to even think about that. Yes I did say slave labor. See we only had to pay $25 for food for each of us. Our lodging was free. Which was pretty cool. We stayed for free as long as we did tasks that they wanted us to work on.

Okay first off we had 3 cabins. One was for the boys, one was for the girls, and the last one was for a family of 4. There were 3 boys in their cabin, 5 girls in ours, and 2 adults and 2 little one's under the age of 2 in the other cabin. By the time we left. I was pretty much familiar with everyone and was joking around with them. Friday night, that was not the case. I was quiet. Yes, can you believe quiet? I get that way when i don't know many people. I sit back, and listen. I talk when asked questions or talked to. Other than that, not like when we are church. Were I interject most of the time, and am bubbly. That was yesterday.

So Saturday after breakfast we all broke into groups. 3 girls cleaned the boys cabin (that was me, Ann, and Jean), the gutter cleaners were the boys (all 4 of them), and they also raked pine needles/leaves with 3 other girls. It took us about 2 hours to clean the boys cabin, I mean deep cleaining it. We could only do so much until finishing it up Sunday before we left. So it didn't get dirty all over again. Then we ate lunch at 1, then we all raked for about an hour. We were done by 3:15. Then Bonnie, me, and Benjamin went into town to Three Lakes to a winery. Everyone else was supposed to follow, but ditched us. Party poopers. So the three of us, and a friend of Bonnie's who came up to Three Lakes from Antigo joined us in wine tasting. I am a wine lush now. ;) Okay not so much.

Yesterday we left around 2:15 to head back to big bad Appleton. We were so pooped in the car, that I requested in Antigo we stop and get ourselves some caffiene. So we did. I broke down and had a coke. I said screw it this weekend with my weight watchers points. I normally can do portion control. Well, that got shot in the dark. So this week is make up time. I need to get back on track. I am still drinking my water though. Okay, so we got back around 5 or 5:30. Very fun and beautiful. Enjoy the pics.


This is a bald eagle that flew right over the tree tops Saturday morning. Pretty Cool!


Picture of the lake by the beach.















































Hope you enjoyed these pictures. I also posted them on facebook also. Have a good night everyone! Hugs and kisses to all!
Jodes

Man being sick SUCKS!!

Okay I got sick last Friday night with this crappy cold. Last Saturday I went over to Ryan's and we spent some time with his co-worker that came over. Then I think we took a nap. Then Ryan and I ate some food, left by about 6p, to go to the Outagamie County Conservation Club's Haunted Hayride. It was fun. It was Ryan's first time there and he said he enjoyed himself.

On the way home after that, we went back to Ryan's were I stayed and hung out on his couch. He left and met up with his co-worker's, while I stayed at his place and rested. Sunday we went to church, then a co-worker came over and we watched the Packers beat the Lions. After the game, I slept for 2 hours. Then Ryan and I hung out relaxed together. Then he sent me home around 7:30p so I could come home and get sleep. So it has been a long week. Sunday night into Monday I lost my voice, with my dad and Ryan being over joyed for the silence. Haha nice, right? So now happy to say that my voice is back and I am feeling 100% better.

Today is still a lazy day for me. I am slowly getting my energy back. Just getting bored. Bored has to mean that I am feeling better. And now I have way too much time on my hands. Because I was looking at all my posts and mainly reading what I all wrote about the time my mom was in the hospital. I thought I was doing so well. I could think about her in the hospital, like remembering how her last minutes were, and not cry. Well, tonight I cried reading everything we went through. This sucks. I think I am done telling myself, or pressuring myself to be healed already. Cuz when I do that, water works comes. Then I have a crappy time.

So I am done. I will heal in time. Tomorrow is a boring day, not sure what is going to happen. And Sunday is church, Education hour, and then a youth board meeting. I want to go to early service so I can hear the choir sing. But I will not be singing with them. I am going to listen. Still don't have a steady voice. Talk to you all later! Have a lovely fall day!
J

Man it has been a while!

Let's see! What have i been up to since the church Brewer game? Hmmm! I have been dealing with my mom's death much better. I finally opened up more to Ryan about her final weeks here on earth in December. I can talk to him about it, and even cry in front of him. Something which I couldn't do before. See I was under the assumption that if I cried in front of him, he would no longer consider me strong in what I have been through. That he would look at his girlfriend and woman he loves as someone who is weak. Messed up right? Well, I thought that way for 8 years. Now a couple weeks ago I talked to him about that very thing. And he told me I was crazy to think that. Which I know now, I am. I should be able to tell him everything, I mean I consider him my best friend other than Tanya and a couple other girlfriends. I am better with my emotions now. I came up with a new slogan for me that Ryan totally loves.

I am rollercoaster of emotion. You never know what you are going to get.

He likes that one. I do to. I mean I am not totally in the acceptance stage yet, but entering into it slowly. It is hard. I have good days and bad. There are times when Ryan and I are just sitting there, and I push my emotions of that time down too much. And it just blows up in me. Tears start to roll, I burry them, and then I get pissy or touchy. So I am learning, as to is Ryan, to talk more about it. I can talk somedays about my mom without tearing up. Like now, I am not tearing up. I am fine.

But when the grave stone comes to her plot. That will be a hard day. I plan to go down there and place the vase of fake Lilacs and roses that we gave her in the nursing home. My dad told me that is one thing that we can put down there. Other than that, I really am fine.

Good days and bad days will always be there. But I know that she is in a happy place. Especially now that she has Patrick Swayze all to herself. She loves that man soo much it is ridiculous. She loved all of the movies he was in. She even thought he looked handsome when he got older. I didn't. But now honestly she is in heaven (sorry for the pun) having him up there.

I am still doing my Iv treatment once a month and it is going great. My labs are awesome, kidney working beautifully, health is good, and Ryan and I are still busier than ever. Some days busier than others. Man we need to slow down, but being busy is good. We don't get bored then. Well, off to bed. Until next time. I will try to post for frequent now. I kinda forgot about it. See you all on the flip-side.

Jodes

Brewer Game 2009!

So this past Friday Ryan and I went to watch the Brewers play like we have been doing the past 4-5 years. I don't remember. Someone comment and let me know how long it has been. Okay me maybe only 3-4 since one year I was in the hospital and they did a Chinese Fire drill with me on the phone. So I was there in spirit and on the phone talking to Ryan.

We now go to the game on a coach bus. So much nicer than when we drove ourselves. One, the bus gets a closer so not that far to walk. Second, we don't have to pay for parking. This year was fun. Ryan and I got a really cute picture taken together. I think we will be doing that everytime we go. It is really cute. So I will include that and some other awesome pics that I took. Yes I was playing with my new camera. I was trying to find out how to take closer pictures without getting closer. I know. The obvious one is close-up. Well, didn't realize I had that feature until I started playing with it. So I will use that now everytime we go to the game. Here are the pictures.

Enjoy the pictures!


Aww! Aren't we a cute cuple?


Brewer's Welcome! Good Shepherd Lutheran Church-Appleton


The racing Sausages!


Ready-Set-Go! Go Racing Sausages Klements!


Seabaugh family candid pictures! I have many more if you want them Bec!

Hope you enjoy all these pictures!

Jodes

Youth Room revamp!

Ryan and I, like the rest of the adults, at how AWESOME the youth room looks now. It looks so much bigger. Man what a difference it is with getting rid of some of the old stuff, and moving things around for a change. I know I said the scarry word CHANGE. Lutherans don't do change well. So we'll see how the congregation reacts to the change in the youth room. But in all honesty, it isn't their room. It is the youth's, and we are trying to get more kids to come. So hopefully this will help. We are doing this for them, so they can just enjoy it and spread the word that the room looks better now. Crossing fingers and toes that this works, amongst other things that we are doing.

Man a lot of sweat was shed tonight with rearranging and moving stuff out. The guys took out the desk, after us ladies cleaned it out and pitched a lot of old stuff. Then they tackled moving the furniture to make room to move the Foosball table, then they moved the TV over to the center of the wall, moved the pool table, and moved the air hockey table. In all honesty, it looks amazing. More seats, and the old ones went buh-bye. Don't want to give too much away. We want you all to see it for yourselves and let us know. It really does look like we have a bigger room now. I have to say pretty cool. Now just pray that when school starts or we have the gradn reopening, more youth will come and when they do. They will spread the word for even more to come. There is always hope. Our goal is for the adults that come, to not find a seat. Were we have to sit on the floor. Which would be awesome if that happened.

So Friday is the Brewer Game, Saturday watching my cousin's kids with Ryan, Sunday relaxing and going to church, Monday not sure, Tuesday not sure, and Wednesday is more CHANGE. But this time for the Youth Bulletin Board. Well, time for bed. Until next time. Night!

Jodes

This is something I am proud of that we did Monday evening. The trail is about 45 minutes long. I would say that is how much we walked. I swear we walked the whole freaking park. I only had to stop twice to catch my breath. Hills, big hills, kill me. I mean kill my leags. I was sweaty and stinky but felt good later. That is one of the reasons why I need a good pair of walking shoes. My feet kept sliding in the shoes I had on, and my arches killed really bad afterwards. But Ryan will be keeping it up by taking walks with me. I don't know what it is. I do better with walking when I have a partner, and also being at Plamann. I feel safer with Ryan. So nothing can happen to me. My grandma is so worried when I walk their alone. Here is also what I plan to find at Rogan's tomorrow. Or something close to it.



Talk to you all soon!
Jodes

This week has been fun!

Wednesday Ryan, Pastor Tim, Becky, Tracy, Ed, me, and the youth at GS went to Badger Sports Park. Man was that fun! I mini golfed, or as I call mini putt putt with Ryan, Kevin, and Taylor. We had a blast in our group. We just plainly had fun. Ryan got a Holie in One (picture to follow this entry), and me at the last hole won a free round of mini golf. Okay, actually in the beginning I had four tickets for the four of us. You would think when we were getting our golf clubs, that she would have taken all four. Umm no! That would have been way too easy for them to do. But I really am not complaining. At the end. I have 3 free rounds of mini golf. So we can use them next year when we go again.

Also, Wednesday my family from Texas came up for our family reunion on Saturday. Actually it is this whole weekend. Or as my dad says it started the moment they landed. That day they went to lunch in Green Bay, then my dad joined them at my aunt and uncles house that night. Last night was supper at The Stoneyard in Greenville. Their brand spanking new sports bar. They just recently opened like with in the last week. I have to say very good food, I had a fish sandwich and it was big, messy and good. They have Jose Cuervo Mararita's on Tap, pretty cool, and it is smoke free.

So tonight Ryan and I are either going to my grandma's for a camp fire with my family or going out with his co-workers. Who knows. He will tell me around 2:45 what is planned. Tomorrow we are heading up to Bowler, WI for my family reunion. I am looking forward to it. My brother and his wife are coming. He hasn't been up there ever. Since we started going up there for it. So that is cool. This year my dad, my immediate family is in charge of the meat. And we are also in charge of the meat for Christmas which is in our garage also. They rotate between all the siblings every year. Which is nice. So I will have pics from my reunion also. Enjoy the pictures of Ryan!


Ryan sinks a Hole in One Baby!


Picture two of him sinking a Hole in One! This one is better!

Jodes

Why do you get colds in the summer?

Can anyone answer that freaking question? I got a hold last Saturday, the day of my surprise party. I woke up feeling like major crap. Thank God I did feel that way, or I would have the bug to call Ryan about 3 or 4 when he was supposed to get back from "fishing". I think in the back of my head I new something was up. But I let it go so I would be surprised and make him happy.

So anyway's last week was litterally the week from hell. Monday I had to do labs at 7am, then leave with my dad at 9:30 to go to GB for my appointment with my transplant doc. Feeling like crap, coughing, not talking great (were you swear I would lose my voice if I keep talking), and also answer questions from my doc. He asked me how I am doing. I said other than this stupid cold, I am fine. Feeling great other than today. Everything going good. Then he asked my why my creatnine jumped up the week prior. I told him I drank too much soda and not enough water. I said that made me change things to drink one soda a day )at least) and more water. I told him that. And then his response was this. You shouldn't be drinking soda at all. My thought was like "What?" since when. They didn't say that when I was in class after my transplant. They just said not to over do it, and what soda you shouldn't drink because it dehydrates you. I have been really good so far. My goal is this. Drink one soda a day until I feel I don't need to do that or forget, then drink one soda a week until whenever, drink one soda a month, and then finally hopefully no soda drinking at all.

I have been drinking water, water with lemon, hot tea (since my throat hurts), iced tea, seltzer water, and Crystal Lite.

This week is a better week. I had my Iv treatment yesterday. Sitting in a chair for 4 1/2 hours with nothing to do, sucks big time. But it is for a good reason. I do it once a month so I can handle it. Now with my cold, I am feeling okay. I can't stop coughing. It is a dry cough, and it is giving me a headache, sore throat, and also making my stomach hurt. Oh, and my ears are still plugged. So better than last week though. I just want this over with soon. I hate coughing. It drives Ryan nuts when he trying to rest on his couch. But I can't help it. Well that is about it for now.
Talk to you all soon!

Love all!
Jodes

The world of being 30~

Okay! In all honesty I don't feel any older. There are times when I say it is just a number. Then there are times, when I am like "Holy Crap I am 30! Man am I old!" So I am coming to terms with being 30.

Now onto my brithday festivities. Saturday as most of you knew Ryan threw me a surprise birthday party at his apartment. I had 4 of my family members there, and also had 7 close friends and 2 toddlers there as well. I was happy that my sister in law came after work, happy to see my bro (I don't see him much as it is), happy my aunt (my second mom) and cousin were there, as well as the friends that could make it. That really made my day.

After that we met Ryan's co-workers at The Stone Toad. First when we got there, we had to kick some a$$ to get the tables we wanted. See Ryan made a reservation for two tables. Well, two tables had a green table cloth on them. And with the name Reserved for Ryan's group at 8pm. Well people were sitting at the other table then we sat at the other table with the freen table cloth. Then some person took the sign off of our table, while we were sitting there and put it on their table. I said to Ryan ummm. Not cool. Made him realize what was going on and he got peeved. So he took the sign back and put it on our table. Then the guy came over and apoligized to us. Whatever! Then Ryan was beyond mad. He went to the bouncer dude and got an extra table for us. They aplogized to us. That's fine. The manager said that the people at the other table said they were a part of our group. Umm not! Had no clue who they were. Then Ryan put the sign on an empty table. We thought all was good. I was starting to calm down and so was everyone else. Then this older couple sits at the table with the sign. They look at the sign and don't move. I was livid. So I walked over there, no I did not cause a scene, I looked pi$$ed at her and grabbed the sign off the table. Then put it down on a table over by the pool tables. I told my friend Jess that I shot her a look, and she said Oh the lady shot you a look also. I don't care. I was like bring it on.

Remember, I am soo much like my mother that it really freaks my dad out. Ryan knows that now. I explained it to him. He knows that I am way slow to anger but once I reach my boiling point. Watch out! My dad knows that. I am firery like her. So anyway's, I was it is my birthday party and I can kick butt if I want. I have back-up there. Right Tracy? ;)

We stayed at The Stone Toad until about 1:30. So that was Saturday. Sunday we just relaxed and did nothing. Monday just a typical day. Yesterday I went to free movie Tuesday with my cousins, and then lunch at TGI Fridays. I relaxed until Ryan got here. Then he took me out to Cinders for my birthday meal. Here are the flowers from last year!



Love
Jod

Week of VBS with a good friend~

Well, this past week I helped out Tanya at her old school for VBS. They did Crocodile Dock this year. It was so much fun. I was her helper for Bible Byou and also to assist in keeping wrangled the "Toddler Tornado". Kathleen was so cute everyday on the way up to Luxemburg. She would drop her nuk, or I would hand her food to eat. Then when I would give her something she would say, "Thank you Joey." One day on the way up there I gave her my phone to play with. I restricted calls and locked the phone. So who did she call to talk to? Well, she called Rynan also known as Ryan. She said love you Rynan, hi rynan, and then would talk really quiet to him. So Tanya and I started laughing at that. Tanya said, "Shhh! Can't talk loud! Mommy and Joey are in the car with me." Very cute. So I told Ryan about it, and he had the biggest smile on his face. And also I had to give him a kiss from her. He thinks it is so cute that she likes him that much. Trust me! She will fall in love with him, I gurantee it. But we had fun.

On the second day, I played Pharoah. We were talking about the 10 plagues that day. So was him, and had tell Moses no, 9 times. Pretty funny! The kids after a while would say pretty please, and why not. I didn't answer them. I was in character. So they hopped around all around me backing me into the chalkboard at frogs, then they were annoying flies, they turned my water into blood (aka used some red Crystal Lite powder drink mix for that), then I fell asleep and they placed boils on me (red dot stickers), then went and used clothes pins as locusts (but didn't pinch me), and then placed a pillow case over my head for darkness. Oh, then the kicker that kind of hurt. Is they had to throw dead fish at me. So we didn't have fish, but we dry sponges. Well, we drew fish on them, and they were told to throw them close to me. Not at me. Yeah! That didn't work. So I got pelted with dry sponges. Got hit twice in my left boob and it hurt. Then my pinky toe, I was barefoot, got stepped on. Wow I was happy that they got into it. After that, they woke up for the day, and the rest of the week.

It was really fun spending time with Tanya before she goes back to Idaho. I am going to miss her. But I will be helping out Todd with Kathleen. So he isn't alone. I mean Ryan and I will be helping out Todd. I can have the two of them go do something and I can take care of peanut. Well, that is all for now. Enjoy the picture I am going to post from VBS. It is very cute.


Cheeks! My cheeks! Ryan loves this picture!

Jodes

Busy busy weekend!

Well, were to start. Let's see if I can remember what the heck we all did. Hmmm! Friday, Ryan went fishing. Yes, again! :D I went to my cousin's house and watched his two kids as him and his wife went to a wedding Green Bay. Saturday, we helped out a guy at church at a fishing tournament. We were in Winneconne, the weather was amazing, and all the fishermen did really good. My job at the tournament is to help hang banners, help with the tents, pretty much the light work. Then when the tournament starts my main job is to write down the weight of the big fish, how many fish caught, and total weight of the whole catch. My name is Jodie " Weightmaster" Kling. Everything this time went more smooth than the last time. We were done in record time. We also that night when we got home. We "attempted" to fish at Lutz Park down on the River by the Appleton Yaht Club. We caught crap. I have a couple pictures to show. We also watched Flag of our Fathers. Sunday, I was supposed to go to Bark River with my dad to watch an Off-Road race. Something that I have not been to in about 7 1/2 to 8 years. We have plenty family friends that do race off-road. Well, that didn't happen. I went to church to meet Ryan, and then we hung out the rest of the day. We watched Saving Private Ryan after we ate lunch. Then I went home around 8 and went to bed. Well, that was my weekend. I have some pictures to show you all. Please enjoy!


My second cousin Casey!


My second cousin Riley!


Ryan and Jeremy Gritton fishing!


This is a pic of a momma duck or two and their babies!

Love to all!
Jodes

Weekend starts with a BANG!

Okay! I mean literally by the bang. Here is what Friday was like and so on.What a nice day to be swimming the pool. We had fun. My families pool is my neighbors pools, which is actually my aunt and uncle. Swimming in their pool was fun. Ryan came over to their house when he got home from work, and swimmig with him is always some kind of adventure. Adventure is an understatement of what happened. Now that I have peeked your interests. Here is what all went down.

First I was in a tube just relaxing in the sun trying to get a tan. And before you ask. Yes, I put on sunscreen before you ask. My cousin Lauren and I were chililng out in the pool. She was hanging on the tube, and we were talking. Then we started making fun of Ryan and her brother Troy, my other cousin. Big mistake. They had the BRIGHT idea to throw each other into the tube to see if it would flip or to get us wet. All was good and fun until I was at the side of the pool. My cousin Troy whipped Ryan into the tube, I felt the tube start to tip, I closed my eyes, then BANG my head and arm hit the side of the pool. My first thought was "my neck isn't supposed to bend this way," second thought was "if my aunt and uncle were home to see this they would have freaked out." So I went under water. Came up and Ryan and all asked how I was. I just glarred at Ryan. It freaking hurt. He said stay in the pool, I said no (actually different words were said but I am being nice), I got out and sat in a chair. My two cousins got out of the pool also. I had a flipping headache. They, my cousin Troy and Ryan said they were sorry. I was pi$$ed for the time being. Was a little miffed when we went back to his place, until I saw how hard he was taking it by hurting me. He wasn't in a good mood. I told him I know it is an accident, you didn't mean to hurt me. I said also I will heal, you didn't break me. The last thing I told him was that seeing how he took hurting me on accident made me feel good that he won't ever beat me up. He would never. I knew that, but he never intentionally hurts me.

So don't give him a hard time about this, I am really fine. The bruises are going away. The one on my arm looks better than what it did. And the one on my head is getting better. He got me right above the right ear, just missed it. I will point it out to you if you ask me. You can't see it so don't worry.

His co-worker thinks I am still mad at him. How can I still be mad at him for something that happened last Friday? I was mad for about 5-10 minutes when it happened, was a little miffed after, but got over it. I didn't get hurt bad, were I was knocked unconcious. Or there was no blood in the pool, or I didn't stay under the water when it happened. So I wasn't hurt that bad. I could never stay mad at him. I love him too much to stay mad at him.

Life is too short for me to stay mad. So that is what my title means. Until next time!

Jodes

Father's Day/family wedding

This past weekend was kind of low key that is until Sunday hit. We went to early church, then went to Ryan's apartment, changed, got ready for the road trip to Chippewa Falls, looking at a map so he knows were he is going, and having a "discussion" on the way.

So our "discussion" was him getting impatient with me with not knowing were we are going. I am like "Hello! Never been here before so we both don't have a clue were we are going." He said, "Well, you should learn how to read a map and not second guess yourself." I said, "I only second guess myself when you get mad at me or raise your voice." Then the whole learning how to read a map came into play yet again. Thank God for cell phones. I called my aunt before we left to make sure we knew were the church was. Before hand that morning or night before I had Mapquested were the hotel was. Thank God I did because the map we had, didn't help at all. Was wrong. I got us there with one little late direction. Got yelled at yet again.

Okay we are checked in, in our hotel room, he is resting, and I am texting my cousin Lauren to see how she is and how the bride is. Then we get ready and leave for the church. My uncle told me how to get there. Well, okay we head out the way he tells me, and then we are at the lights and the road he wants us to stay on veers to the left, and the other goes straight into Eau Claire. I tell Ryan take a left. Then I text my aunt asking her which road to take. Then I tell him to turn around in the Walmart parking lot, oh and it is raining out. My cousin tells we should head toward Eau Claire. That is what I thought. Then at the other light I tell him to turn left again, and going downt he road I think "oh crap! I think we should have gone the other way." I tell this to Ryan. He is livid with me at this point. So I tune him out. We are driving then thank God, the road we needs comes up, turn onto that road. Well, we are on the right road, but we find the church once we are right on the driveway. Then it is too late. Crap! Drive ahead turn around in a driveway, then head to the church. He is so paranoid that we will be late. Umm it is like 3 pm when we got there, the wedding starts at 3:30. I wasn't worried. I was laughing on the inside. I laugh when he gets stuck, or we get lost. Or he gets us lost.

Wedding happened. Little tears shed. Happy times. Reception time we head from our room to the hall. Just have to walk several feet. We get to eat, appetizer type food. But there was a lot of it. Everyone took two small plates. We were all hungry. Ryan especially. He yelled at me for having a soda. One soda. I ask him why he is so pissy with me, he says I am hungry. I said then get more food. And if you want to talk about what we are drinking. I can tell you not to have anymore alcohol if you want to play that game. My mom came out in me on that one. Then he shut his pie hole, got more food, and all was quiet on the western front. Never yelled at me again for drinking soda that night. I was a little miffed at him, but he backed down. Cuz I wasn't. I only took like 8 pictures of the reception. My camera started acting weird. The screen is like tinted dark but the pictures turned out okay. I didn't want to chance it. Plus my family took many pictures. So I can copies that way.

I feel bad for not being home for Father's Day for my dad. I did though find a nice card that spoke about him always being there for me. I hope he liked it. He didn't throw it away. It is still on his table. I also owe him some hand cream that he likes. So that will be his belated Father's Day gift from me and from Ryan as well. I sign his name to all my cards. Birthday and any other cards for my dad, brother, and SIL, also did that when my mom was alive also. Also sign his name to Christmas gifts for them also. He does the same with my name for his family.

Well, I am off to bed. Night all! I will post a funny pic or two of Ryan. And will post one later if one was taken of me and Ryan at the wedding. Not sure.


This is Ryan acting goofy per my request. Then my cousin Missy had to give him bunny ears. They love "trying" to beat Ryan up.


This is one of Missy playing with Ryans hair. She did the same to me. Felt amazing. After this was taken he told her to not mess his hair up. Fun times when her and her sister are around us. I have endless laughter and smiles.

Jodes

Health Update and what not!

Well, today's labs came back and all is still great. I am so thankful everyday for the gift that God has blessed me with. Not sure if you know this, but when I got my call for the transplant, someone had to die for me to receive it. Okay, most of you if not all of you know that one. I never realized what my fonor family went through with trying to make that hard decision. At least not until my mom was in the ICU this past winter, and we decided it was in her best interest to just let her go peacefully. The next decision we made, I mean my brother and I insisted on if we could do it, was to see if anything of my mom's could be dontated to someone who really needed it. Deep down I thought, more than likely not, but what the heck. It is worth a shot. Why not check? So my dad said that was fine, the nurse called UNOS (United Networking of Organ Sharing) or she called OPO (Organ Procurement Organization), don't remember. All right, I had no clue what those letters stood for, I had to do a search on the internet to see what it meant. I actually did know what OPO stands for. Okay laugh at that.

Now, we waited for about an hour, that is what the nurse told us. So while waiting for more family to show up to say their good-byes and hang out with us so we weren't alone. She came and told us that it was not an option. After that, when she passed. I thought at least we tried. She would have wanted that also. If anything could be donated, she would have wanted it that way. But I didn't realize until it was after the funeral, that it really is a hard decision.

Now back to what I was getting at. I mean with all that, I feel like I have a better understanding with what my donor family went through to donate their loved one's organs. See before I really didn't understand what they went through to do that until we tried to do that.

So anyway's I feel blessed with what God granted me with. Oh the one piece of news that you didn't know when I got my transplant. Not sure who I all told. But here it is. The kidney I received was a perfect match kidney. See they have to match 6 DNA characteristics, blood type, and some other tests I think like 8 or 10 in general. I don't really remember. That was like over 2 years ago or more when we did all that. I can't be expected to remember all that. I just know my kidney matched me 6 out of 6, the kidney before that was 3 out of 6, and the one my brother gave me was 3 out of 6. I hope you understand that.

So my labs are all good, health is perfect, and feeling great. Sorry for all the rambling or information, but like Becky said. This is my blog and I can write on it what I want. I could say more after that comment but I will be nice. If you have any questions feel free to ask me. I am happy to answer them. So until next time!

Jodes

Go T-Ratts Go!

Last night was our LAF (Lutheran Adult Fellowship) or also known as our young adult group. We went to a Timber Rattler game last night. They are the minor team up in Appleton that is affiliated with the Brewers. Which is awesome. And last night I got to see Steven Braun (Ryan Braun's little brother). Hmm! I can honestly say he looks like his brother, and totally stands like him. Plus he is cute also.

Back to the gmae. We had a blast. Granted the T-ratts lost 2-1 to the Kane County Cougars, but the Fireworks show at the was AWESOME! And the game was good but wow was it long. I didn't think it would ever be done. I love going to Fox Cities Stadium. It is also nice to see the minor team that could one day become a Brewer.

Oh last night. Phil Niekro who used to play for the Brewers threw out the first pitch. In all honesty, I have no flipping clue that guy is. I thought at first it looked like Bob Uecker. I was like SWEET! But no, the Brewers were playing at 7:05 also. So nope not him. Oh, the Brewer's won 7-2 against the Chicago White Sox. So at least one team from WI won. That is about it for now.

In attendance we had Tracy, Melissa, Diane, her two nieces, me, and my cousin Lauren. All chicks. We had a blast though. Now I can't wait until the Brewer game in August with church. Until next time. I am waiting to hear from Ryan, go to his palce to hang out until Jessie's party at 4, then babysit at 8pm for my cousin's two kids. I will take pictures tonight of us babysitting. They are always so much fun. Whenever Ryan chases them, they hide behind me like I can do something to him. Yeah right. We will be playing hide and seek. Can't wait. Fun times.

See some of you at church tomorrow for our 9:30 outdoor service.

Jodes

Life's A Beach!

Hmmm! Where have I heard that phrase before I saw this when changing my background. I know. It is a song by Blake Shelton "Some Beach."

Well, life can be a beach. Some days more than others. I am not thinking this because I am mad or anything. I am thinking this in the sense that I want to go to the beach on this nice beautiful day. I am in a really good mood. Eventhough my aunt flow visited me. Damn women! I hate it when she visits me once a month. Get it? You had better so I don't have to explain that one. She is such a beach.

But today was better than others. I got to play with one of my favorite toddlers. Sorry Kathleen, I am Kamryn's favorite also. But I love the two of you equally. And then there is my little buddy and flirt, Isaiah (Ryan's competition). Also, I can't forget Mallory, my other favorite little one.

Tonight I am going to Lonewolf with my cousin Lauren to eat supper, then we are going to the 6:20 showing at Regal of Night at the Museum 2: Battle at the Smithsonian (sp?). Can't wait. Since I got gipped to see Terminator. I will explain that one when you see me. But am gatting over being gipped.

Tomorrow night we are meeting Ryan's co-workers at Good Co for a birthday, then going to the bar area at Sergios to hang out. This will be fun times. Last month we all went bowling and I did crappy. But with my first throw had them laughing. I try! We were Gallactic bowling, and I went to throw my ball, well stuck my thimb in to far and it got stuck in the ball and ball when bomb halfway down the lane. I have to say, Ryan was embarassed, my thumb hurt, and all were laughing. Then my bowling went downhill from there. But we had fun. Sunday is the start of VBS at 5:30 with a meal, then VBS starts at 6. Can't wait. My lovely assistant will be once again helping me.

For those of you coming to VBS Sunday, we will be in the gym if it does rain. Also, in there Monday if it rains again. We will be on the half by the dessert room, that half. Well, going to relax until time for supper.

Jodes

The time is coming!

First I would like to say to everyone reading this. Sorry it has been a while since I blogged last. Last weekend we were kinda having internet issues. Stupid AOL decided to take a crap on us, and with my dad putzing with it Monday. On Monday he got it were we had dial-up internet through Netzero. Not a real big fan of dial-up. I dispise it, but at least I could check my over abundance of emails. Like Becky knows. I just clicked to select all, then unchecked the addresses I knew. Everything else got deleted. Also, on Monday my dad was trying to get AOL to start, not happening. Then with being on the phone to Time Warner, he decided to go with Road Runner, I was like yes finally. Couldn't get what he needed to work, work. Crap! Stuck with dial-up for one more day. Then a guy from Time Warner called on Tuesday to see how everything was going with my dad, and he did something were Road Runner worked. Pretty cool! I love high speed internet.

Now, to what the title means. Nothing serious or scarry news is about to be posted. So don't freak. Couldn't think of a title and that popped into my head. The title means that the time is coming for me to really, really break down in front of Ryan about my mom's death. See I was talking to a friend via email about how hard it is sometimes for me. As some of you know with me telling you and writing it on here. Well, I told my friend that I can't bring myself to cry in front of Ryan. Or even my dad. I don't know what it is with me. I should be able to cry in front of Ryan. But I can't. What goes through my head is this. 'If I cry in front of him, then he will think I am weak, and I want him to think I am really strong and can handle anything.' Well, I know I can't handle everything, and that thinking is just stupid for me to think that. Ryan would never think of me as weak. I know that. I also know that it is something I have to work on. Okay, so I said all that, and more in my email to my friend. Then Sunday rolls around for us to be at church. We went to the Graduation Stepping Stone service. Every year the slideshow makes me cry, had technical difficulties showing it. Okay, so service started I was fine with the opening song, then the second song. And then we had to sing the third song. It was "Bourning Cry." I was like are you kidding me. I wanted that song to be played at my mom's funeral, but Catholics don't know that song, so fine. So her funeral service was playing in my head, and tears normally just lightly flow. Well, not this time. I was getting close to getting up and having a meltdown in the back of church in the community room. I pushed them down. Was fine. Then at communion, another song, one that was played at her funeral. So another crap goes through my head. This time I don't even bother singing the flipping song. It was "On Eagle's Wings." And yet again the same thing happens. And what flashes through my mind again? Her funeral service and her face. The first time I cried, I thought God now is not the time for me to meltdown in front of Ryan. Not in front of people at church. At his apartment is the better place.

So I swear I get to the point were I am good with her death, in a good place, I think I am close to accepting it, and then WHAM! God says, "Nope, your not ready yet. You need to go through this to heal. Too soon for acceptance. Go through all the grief stages frist." Emotions come flooding back to me. Then when I cry, it is like a dam bursts. I can't see, I can't talk, my eyes turn red, and my nose runs. But I do know the time is coming were it will happen in front of him. I just don't know when. Going through this makes me happy to have a strong faith. I didn't have a strong faith when she died. To be honest. I knew in my heart that it was for the better, and she must have been needed by God for something in heaven. That is why she had to leave us so soon. Well, I normally think that way with all my family members that have died. It was really hard to think that and also to think of her in a better place right away. I even got mad at him, but also apologized to him for getting mad at him.

That is why. Listen to the song for my slideshow. Truly everything that is in that song, fits my family and my mom's death. I went to her grave today. I didn't talk to her. I don't think I will, it just isn't the same as when I used to talk to her. I went to look at the plaque that someone put on her grave. It says, "Forgotten forever, remembered in our hearts." I think that is what it says. I could be wrong. I don't remember.

Would it be weird to take a picture of it and post it here? Please let me know. Cuz if it is I won't take a pic of it. If it isn't, I will take a pic of it. Just let me know. I am not sure either way. Well, that is all from the peanut gallery. Until next time.

Jodes

Powerful words!

Man what can I say. Just when I think I am getting to the point of being able to deal with my mom's death I hear a song on the radio for the first time that makes me cry. I mean really breakdown. At the time of her passing, I was feeling angry, denial, guilt, and sorrow all rolled into one. Anger because I was mad at God for taking my mom away from at such a young age who was really looking forward to my brother's wedding. I mean really looking forward to it. Also, I had anger toward my whole family. I felt like they were all looking to me to be the strong person. that if I started to cry, then everyone else would start. Everyone was coming and looking at me for strength. I kind of got really peeved, but not to anyone. Just would vent in my prayers to God. I have never told anyone this before. I feel kind of guilty being mad at them for not doing it intentionally, but that is how I felt. Denial because I felt like it was dream and we were going to wake up or recieve a call and say, just kidding I am fine. Didn't happen. Guilt because my dad and I felt so guilty deciding her fate. I feel like we decided her fate with giving up on her. Remember this was then not now. With guilt comes the second thought of all the what it's. Like what if we would have gone through with the trache and she recovered 100%. Not likely though. Lastly, sorrow because of the loss of my mom.

Now the song in question that I am talking about plays on my slideshow. It is Alan Jackson's "Sissy Song". I heard for the first time this week on Monday I think. I completely broke down. It so speaks how my dad, brother, and I are feeling, and what we are going through. But also at the same time gives us comfort. Listening to it once for the first time made me cry, now I can listen to it and it gives me comfort. Kind of like it a message from God saying that it is okay to miss her, and so you know she doesn't want you to be sad. She is okay and having a ball in heaven.

Okay. Now that it has been over 4 months since her death. I am finally to the place were I get comfort from God. I have apologized to him for getting mad at him when she died. But I think God understands when we get mad at him, as long as it is only temporary. Not permanent. He knows I wasn't really mad at him, I was just hurting that much. Mother's Day like i have said in a previous blog post went better than I thought it would. I had tears in my eyes looking at the cards for your mom. I miss picking out a card for my mom. She always liked the one's I picked. But I did buy a card for my grandma like I always did and for my aunt. My aunt because she is like my second mom really. And has been there with my through everything. I gave her the card, wrote a little message in it, and almost made her cry. But she didn't. She said that I am practially part of their family anyway's. I am like their adopted child.

I think God says to me. Wait a minute on the healing part. You aren't healed yet. So he lets stuff hit me like a mack truck. Praying for him to help me heal is working. I am no longer mad at my family. Only at times when certain things bug me. But not for the reason I mentioned before. I do at times cry, but Ryan is getting used to it. It is really strange at what makes me cry when watching tv or a movie.

So now onto a happy subject. Ryan and I are going to see the new Star Trek movie at Regal. We are seeing a matinee because regular price is way to steep for us. $6.50 before 5pm, after it is $9. Haha! I don't think so. So I will blog tomorrow to let you know how the movie was. And will give you Ryan's offical take on the movie. Have to get ready for our 4pm showing. I have to be to his place by 2:30 or 3. So good bye for now.

Live long and prosper! ;D
Jodes

Labs and what not!

Well, today my labs were perfect. I mean perfect because if you haven't seen on Facebook, my creatnine came down, and that makes for one happy girl. So happy that cutting back on soda, and drinking more water is working. I am at least trying to get 64 oz of water in me a day. Man that makes for one long night when you are trying to sleep. Wow, I feel at times that I will float away, and going so much is getting to Ryan. But I tell him it is better than what it could be like if I didn't go as much. He says you have a point. Duh! I don't want to say what that alternative would be, you probably have guessed it. But I will, losing the kidney. If going to the bathroom would lessen then that means we have a problem. Not good that could mean rejection. Which is not good either.

So now, I am trying to get my monthly Iv treatment set-up up here so I don't need to do it next month in Madison when we go down there. I mean yes it would be coonvenient to do it when I am down there for a check-up, but I go down there the week of VBS and I am in charge of games again. Which I don't want to miss. I love teaching the kids and families games. That makes me happy to hear that the kids can't wait to see what I have planned next. I will see if this year tops last year's games. Last year's was AWESOME! Becky, we will be doing the "Soda Explosion" during youth some time. Trust me. I have the thing that will drop all the mentos into the soda bottle quicker.

I am just affraid that if I do the chck-up and Iv treatment down there, I will either miss VBS games, which means Ryan has to do it for me, or I will be late. I don't want that to happen. I don't need Ryan or Leann to freak out. So I know I will get my Iv treatments done up here. All I have to do is ask, and make sure it gets done. My Transplant Coordinator is working on it as I type this, hopefully. If not today, then tomorrow she will work on it.

So that is about it from the peanut gallery. I am off to Ryan's to spend some time with him, to eat tacos, and then to church for dartball. Talk to you all soon!

Hugs and kisses!
Jodes