Tis the Season......

Well, it is getting to that time of year yet again. And I am trying really hard to soak in every Christmas moment I can. I just need motivation today. I am really not feeling that well, I mean my cold is kicking my butt. My throat is fine. I am just tired, sneezing, and stuffed up. I feel like I can't get a good night sleep. I try, but it isn't working. Ugh! As for the Christmas projects I have yet to finish. I just have to finish cutting strips on my SIL's blanket, thatn that is done. I also have to finish tieing Ryan's blanket, then that is done. Also, another thing I have to do is finish his scrapbook. I am not stressing out about them not being done. I swear I will not stress out.

Other than that, Christmas this year will be good. Ryan left this morning to go to Chicago for Christmas with his mom, sister, and sister's boyfriend. Ryan and his mom will be coming home Saturday in the afternoon. I am hoping either late afternoon or early evening. That way he can come out to me, see my dad, brother, and sissy-in-law. Screw it! She is my sister. Enough of the in-law part.

Tonight I will be going over to my aunt and uncle's house next door for a little family get together. Tomorrow is church, then it is CHRISTMAS!!!

Has it really been almost 2 years?

I keep asking myself that. I can't believe that it has been almost 2 years since my mom has died. I was thinking yesterday when I was at church, that going to Colony Oaks with Pastor, Ryan, and the youth was going to be hard. Well, it was actually good. I did okay! I did better than I thought I would. I helped the kids get comfortable around them. Since Ryan and I have had ample experience with that part. Thank you mom! So when we were singing Christmas Carols, there was this lady in the front row, that I swear reminded me of my mom. She just starred at me, and smiled. Really all I had to was when they looked at me, I smiled, and they smiled. We so brightened up their days. It made me feel good. Many said Merry Christmas to us. And loved seeing the kids there. We, mine and Ryan's group, raided the lunch room. Then walked down the hall we were assigned. I swear we get the same hall every year. But that is okay. We gave a card to those who weren't in the lunch room. And wow was it HOT in there. I had my coat on and my sweater. Ugh I thought I was going to pass out. It felt good to be outside. But I understand why they keep it so warm.

Now back on track. I am actually doing pretty good. I am just concerned about my dad. I could tell last night he was not in a good mood. See yesterday 2 years ago to the date, she went into the hospital. I only cried mildly thinking of that lady at Colony Oaks. But Ryan has no clue I had tears in my eyes. My dad is better today though. I am slowly decorating the tree with the ornaments that HAVE to go on the tree every year. Man we have a lot of ornaments. At least I was smart enough last year to put the ones that we always use, in one box. I am smart.

Christmas I think will be better this year. I hope. I am better than last year. Way too much went down last year. Ryan leaves Thursday in the morning to go to Milwaukee, get his mom, then head they head to Chicago for Christmas with his sister Renee. He will be coming home Christmas Day sometime, so hopefully I can see him that day. If not we will see each other at church the following day, then have Bible Study, have our Christmas, and then go to my grandma's for Christmas at her place with all my family. My BIG family. I have a new baby second cousin I can't wait to meet, and then another one on the way. His name is Isaiah. My other cousin is having a little girl. I can't wait to meet her also. I mean I can wait, I don't want her to go in labor early. I think she is due in March. Oh! And a friend of mine is having another baby also. She is due in January. Can't wait to meet that little one also. A new year with 2 new little people. What more can a person ask for?

I am really doing okay though! I just want to say Merry Christmas everyone! Hugs and kisses to all my amazing freinds and family. I love you all! And thank you all for always being there when I need it.

Love,
Jodes

Are you still there?

Who is all still blogging? I know Becky and I seem to be catching back up with that. But who else is doing it? So that is my question for all of you, and I can't think of anything else to say right now.

Jodes

Christmas......

here is my gift to myself onsale for $70 from $160. I am so proud of myself. I have not had a new coat in like 9+ years or has it been longer. Not quite sure. It has been a long time. I think since my mom used to live at home, and that was a long time ago.



I am so happy that I get a hood. Woo hoo! It is the simple things in life that make me happy. And I get to pick this us at the store later today or tomorrow. I think it will be tomorrow when I am in the area of the mall tomorrow. I am getting this in time for our road trip to Milwaukee on Saturday. Now I will stay warm. I get a chick coat. My Columbia coat will be retired, and that is a guy coat. Yes, when I zip it fully, it doesn't fit well accross the chest. I wonder why? ;) Stay tuned for future pics of my home-made gifts once they are done. I have 2 blankets and a scrapbook to finish. Oh and a blanket for January, but that fabric isn't bought yet. January is my bro's birthday and he is getting a blanket also. His wife is getting one for Christmas and so is Ryan. Ryan also gets a scrapbook also.

Tis the Season for Christmas!

I am happy to report that this year my Christmas spirit is coming back. I am so thankful. I mean I will remember what happened 2 years ago the weekend before Christmas for the rest of my life. That will live with me, my dad, my brother, my sister-in-law, and Ryan forever. But as a family we are getting through it. My dad and I aren't as close as I would like, but we are a little closer. He can read me like a book when something is wrong. I think my mom has instilled that in him. And my brother and sissy-in-law rock! And I can't forget the love of my life, Ryan. He has been through a lot with my family and I.

I know this is off the subject. But this just came to light for me this past weekend. Ryan told me that when my mom was alive, he would stop in by her and check on her. Now, can I tell you something. That brought tears to my eyes. My dad or mom didn't say anything to me about this. It touched me so much that I told him thank you and that he has no clue how much that means to me. I feel so blessed now! Just telling my girls that, brings tears to my eyes. He truly is AWESOME! Knowing that made me realize how much he loves me, my family, and makes me love him that much more if that is possible. I can't litterally put into words what that means to me that he did that.

Now back to Christmas. I long for the days that Ryan and I will actually spend Christmas day together. I mean going to Christmas Eve service together, and then Christmas Day together. That will have to wait I guess. I will be with my family this year, and he will be with his. Which is okay.

Honestly, my Christmas spirit is slowly coming back to me. I am looking forward to my family and loved ones opening their gifts. I am looking forward to seeing family, spending time with friends, and the Christmas Music. Also, this means our annual Christmas Tree picture will be taken. I am hoping that the tree is up this week at church, so we can have our picture taken in front of it. Then boom! Christmas card baby!

I swear I am done rambling. I have had caffiene so bare with me. Stay tuned for the next blog.

Love to all!
Jodes

Has it really been 3 months since my last post?

Oye! Sorry guys! Life kinda got away on me like it has for everyone else. I am trying now when I have the time, to blog. That is if I keep rememberin to. Everytime I think about it, I try to do it. I mean logging in to blog, but then I forget. I hate this Short Term Memory Loss. It has to do with having 3 transplants. Darn anesthesia (sp?). Not quite sure if I spelled it right.

So to recap the last 3 months. Ummm! Hmm! Were do I begin? Good question. Lets see. Here is a picture of the flowers that I got for my birthday. I predict next year he will get me 2 dozen. Ryan said he wasn't sure if they all would fit in a vase or if I had one big enough. I said I do, and if you get me 2 dozen. Just don't get it with all the greens and baby's breath.

So this is what they look like.



Basically it was just him and I celbrating my birthday. He took me out to eat at Five Corners in Freedom. We were the youngest coupel there. Going to a super club at 5 pm or so. Makes you sure feel young. Except for the bartender. So we ordered tenderloin for 2. Holy crap that steak was HUGE! I ate maybe a quarter of it, if that. Ryan ate the rest. Wow! Mind you we get salad bar, and fresh bread. And with the steak we got our choice of potato. I was stuffed, and so was Ryan. It was $29 for both of us to have steak, choice of potato, salad bar, fresh bread, and soda. So we did the math of what it would cost separtely, okay Ryan did. And we figured this was a deal. It was good also.

I don't remember what else happened in July after that. Now onto August. It was our annual Brewer Game with church. Which I tried my hardest to embarrass my BELOVED! But didn't quite work. Dang it! I tried to burn photos onto a DVD to create a slideshow. For everyone to view on the bus on the way down to Milwaukee. See it was his 30th Birthday. I showed him what it was supposed to look like. So needless to say everyone on the bus sang Happy Birthday to Ryan. His face turned red, and guess who he looked at as the instigator. Not me!! ;) Hahahaha! DUH! Who else would have the gutts to do this to him? I can name a handful of people that would do it, but I can also name some who wouldn't do it. They would think of it, but probably chicken out to do it. Anyways, Brewers pulled out a win. Then we saw Fireworks. Oh and did I forget to mention we got a free bag of peanuts. SWEET!!! Next year, I am bringing food for the ride down, bringing my own ranch for cheese curds, and my own peanuts. Oh and some bottles of water or soda. No more seltzer water for me at games. I had a bottle explosion. Not cool!

The following 2 pictures is our annual shot taken at the stadium. Thank you Gaby for doing this!

Ryan giving a goofy look at Gaby!


Awww! Aren't we cute?

After that, on the following Sunday we celebrated Ryan's birthday with a mini party. He went down the day after the Brewer game to go down to Milwaukee to meet up with his mom and sister. They went to the Museum and took him out to lunch. He came back on Sunday. Then my brother and sister-in-law came by. Gave me my belated birthday card, and gave Ryan his. Oh then my dad gave my sister-in-law hers. We are a slow family on birthday cards. They had to leave, my SIL had surgery, and was really sore. My dad stuck around, then some friends came over. We had a blast. Katie had to buy Ryan a birthday treat. They were going to get him a cake, but there was not one that Ryan would like except for Dora. That is what Katie said. So they got him popsicles with ice cream in the middle. What a sweet girl! I love that munchkin. I love my little toddler friends. They all make me smile and laugh.

I don't quite remember anything else that happened. Now comes September. By this time I have come up with my new career path. Which is child care. My main goal was to open an In-home family daycare. So I registered for my very first class. I am taking 3 classes to get licensed. I only need 2 to be state certified. My main goal now was to work in a center while taking my classes so I have those under my belt, and so I can also get experience in the child care profession. Then if I so choose, I can branch out and do an in-home family daycare in the future.

So now up to date today. I am working for friends of mine and Ryan's. They have 2 children. A 4 year-old and a 3 month old. I love doing this. I go to their house and watch them there. I am am doing this part-time with a minimum of 4 hours a day. I am also charging $4 per hour per child. Is that too steep? I mean they did call me at the last minute. They called me on October 10th and needed me to start October 11th. Yes they called me at the last minute. So I really couldn't think of an hourly rate on the fly. I did tell our friends that down the road if they want me to change my hourly rate. I will lower it to $3 an hour per child. They said okay!

So that is pretty much all that has gone on that I can remember. If anything substantial happens. I promise to let you all know either on here or on facebook. This is thus far all from the peanut gallery for now.

Until next time!
Jodes

Were has everyone gone?

Oh! I know were everyone has gone! It is summer, and so we all get so busy doing other stuff. That we forget to blog. Hmmm! Kinda like me! I am not ripping on anyone. I am guilty of it also. I get caught up in the game of life, I think about blogging, then I log on, and forget what I was going to do. So to me that is a strike out! Okay! I have watched way too much baseball this summer. I need my football to come back. Since the Brew Crew sucks, we have the wonderful T-Ratts! They are at least kicking it in gear to do better. Better than the Brewers. Now I am off my soap box.

I would like to say a huge WELCOME BACK TO WISCONSIN to everyone from Good Shepherd/Bethenny/Sheperd of the Hills churches that went to the NYG in New Orleans. Y'all were certainly missed. Especially our crew from Good Shepherd. My homies! ;)

Now onto my amazing gift from Ryan for my birthday. If you haven't seen on facebook at all here you go.



I am done in the peanut gallery. I will try to blog more, but can't promise anything. I will be pretty tired once my daycare takes off. I will be pulling in about 9 1/2 hours a day. Ugh! This will be my kid fix for life I am guessing. Which is good. Talk to you all later, I hope!

Jodes

Time sure does fly...

Man it has been a while since the last time I wrote in my blog. I honestly can't remember my last blog title or let alone when I wrote it. Let's see if I can remember what I have been up to.

Hmmmm! That is the million dollar question right now. First off my job with the US Census ended two weeks ago. Which is kind of bittersweet. I liked the job, but didn't like setting my own hours or dealing with pissy people. I had maybe a small handful of "challenging" people. But I worked my tail off. Then on Memorial Day weekend I joined the Johnson family and went to Minnesota/Wisconsin with them. I met Todd and Tanya's family. I had so much fun. I felt so welcome also. Like I was a part of the family already. Felt awesome. Sunday started VBS at church. Ryan and I are yet again doing games for VBS. But we only have games on Monday and Wednesday this week. I am also the picture taking person. See with the program that we have, there is this software that comes with it. It comes with a slideshow and script to follow to view pictures at the closing. So I am having fun. I love seeing God's children smiling and having fun. It also makes me feel awesome that when these kids see me day in and day out, they recognize me. Even after year after year which is kind of nice.

This week I am also watching Katie during the day while Tanya has VBS at Faith. Today her and I are meeting Becky and the kids at Regal for free movies. Today we are going to watch Charolette's Web, the one with real people. Tomorrow's movie is Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs. And this is from that movie. "Holy crap balls!" I love that phrase. But I add batman at the end of that. I know I am a dork. Just look on facebook at the pictures I took in Minnesota. BIG DORK I AM! I am the Queen Dork and Ryan is the King. ;) Enough know! We have to meet Becky and the kids!

Jodes

What's going on at the Kling house?

Hmm! Well, first off I got a job with the government. I am a 2010 US Census Worker. It really doesn't sound as scary as it is. It really is good. We had a trial run in the field last Thursday. And it went good. Granted the wind sucked, but it was good. We realized, with our group, that windy days aren't good to do census work. Plus if it were to rain. That wouldn't work also. Since our census forms are filled out in pencil. Picture a piece of paper that is wet, and filled out in pencil. How does it look? Not good, right? So I am hoping to go out finally tomorrow afternoon. Provided there is no wind or rain.

So that is what I have been up to the past week. My dad is gearing up to go to Texas for his younger sisters wedding. Ryan has been extremely busy at work.

Onto new adventures for this summer. Stay posted on to how everything goes. Hopefully this will lead to a job opening after this is done. I have one possibility that I am pondering over. Not sure what to do. Need to talk it over with Ryan and see what he says. Then think some more, ask questions, and then think some more. Then hopefully decide. I have time so I don't need to make a decision until later this summer. Like June or July! So stay tuned. Sorry so vague, but don't want to spill just yet. At least not here.

Oh! My health rollercoaster is getting back on track. Losing weight, drinking more water, cutting back on soda, cutting out diet soda, and exercising is all in my new and improved me. I am doing P90X and walking. The exercise program is kickin my booty badly. I do modified moves and still break a freaking sweat. Then my muscles kill! I am thinking about doing the P90X Yoga right now! Thank you guys for the awesome support with everything. You all rock!

Jodes

Man were does the time fly?

Okay, I have to say time sure does fly by when you last blog. Not much has been going on here though. Same ol' same ol'. So really there is nothing to blog about except that I stumbled accross some new music that I am so enthralled to listen to. And it doesn't hurt that they are Irish. I love Irish music, always have since I can remember. I love also Irish accents. Drives me crazy when I hear it. Another thing that I like are Irishmen in kilts. Yum! ;)

Now the new thing that I stumbled accross is the group of solo singers called Celtic Thunder. They are 6 Irishmen who are talented, handsome, and wear kilts. Okay I am a little more than into them. I am not obbessed, well sorta. ;) Anyway's, they are talented men. Here is a picture of them and I will see if I can find a song of their's for you all to listen to.

So basically with all that is going on in my life, listening to them is keeping my mind free from all troubles. Not stressed anymore! In a way better mood.


Them in kilts!


Obviously not in kilts!

Oh! Here is one thing that is going on healthwise! I am anemic as most of you already know that. So I have been getting Iv iron last week, and this week is dose
#2. Next week is my 3rd and final dose. So this iron stuff is getting to me. It is making my wrist hurt. I mean not badly, just mildly were it feels like I am bruised. My aunt who is a nurse told me that for next week I should tell them to use the vein up by my elbow were they normally draw my blood. So as of right now, I am not sure if the iron is working or not. Not sure how long it will take to notice any change. I guess my lab work will tell. Other than that, nothing much else is going on. I will keep you all posted on the iron thing. This is about it from the peanut gallery!

Questions for those of you who actually read my blog:
1)What do you think about Irish or Celtic music (to me they are the same thing)?
2)What do you think of men in kilts?
3)Do you think these guys are talented or what?

Please don't judge me on this little obssession. I am human and woman who likes guys. I am a woman who likes any man who is easy on the eyes. I can look, but I would never meet these guys or act on anything. They just help me to stop overthinking and getting me back to myself. Which is a nice change. So please answer the questions above either in the comments or in an email to me. Until next time!

Jodes

Health Update February 2010!

Okay, I don't quite remember how long it has been since the last time I did a health update on myself. Hmmmm! That is a good question. But anyway's here it goes. Better late than never, right?

So here it is. Last month I went to my De Pere appointment went good. My doctor said he wanted to have me keep doing the Iv Ig once every month. I said well is it going to be 4 1/2 hours or less. He said he has no clue. He said that there is no actual dosage level or course of treatment to follow. So me being me says the following "So pretty much it is a crap shoot." He said bascially yes, and he smiled. I am so happy when I can make him smile. See he is the kind of guy who takes his job very seriously, but once you break through his surface like I have. You can joke around with him, and make him smile. See he has been with me since my very first transplant from my brother. He actually assisted in my surgery. Which I think is cool, then he was my clinic doctor (cool again), then after this transplant I had another lady who took care of me. Then my doctor got another job and I got the doctor that I have now. I got him back.

Okay now I really do have a point. Sorry went a little off track. Anywho, I have been doing my Iv treatment once a month, it lasts me about an hour and a half provided they don't set me too long like last time. My biopsy about a month or so ago, I don't remember when it was, showed no change in the rejection. Same as the last biopsy. Which is good. My numbers have been a little high, but I am pushing the water and trying not to drink too much soda. I have been lately though drinking more caffinated beverages than I should. I am trying to get energy or just to stay awake for a while longer than my body wants to. See I am Iron Defficient which means I am anemic and have no energy. I am hoping that if I keep taking my Iron Supplements, my iron level will come back up. But who knows. It is slowly getting a little better. Not as tired as I was last week, but still tired. I just need to go to sleep at a normal time instead of after midnight. Then I won't sleep until like 11 or noon. But I am learning, FINALLY, to listen to my body.

Here is a glimpse into how I used to do things. I would run and run and run being really busy without sitting down, and taking a rest. Then as I would do that, I would burn myself out. Were I would get sick and then energy get back up, and do it all over again. It was a vicious (sp?) cycle that I have been doing in the past. Now I am finally hoping that I got a hold on this. I am listening to my body when it says to not do anything and just sit and relax. I mean doing nothing at night is okay. I can put up with a little boredom.

Today I got my labs done. This week compared to 2 weeks ago all is getting better. Numbers are getting lower and getting better. All is good. And back on the road to normal. Whatever that is? Right? ;) Now be nice ladies. I know I am not normal. Not many people are. Right? Well, that is about it for now! Until next time! Talk to you soon!

Jodes

2010 Vancouver Winter Olympics!

Well, do I even have to ask? But I will anyway's. Do you watch the Olympics? Or I mean have you been watching the Olympics at all? I have been obviously. I am not obsessed at all. I have found that I like Short Track, Men's Hockey, and Ice Dancing. Okay now with Ice Dancing I have a question.

Now I remember a while back, okay about 10 years ago. Man saying that makes me sound old. Holy Cow never thought I would say that. Stop laughing! Not funny! Now onto my point or question I was going to ask. What is the difference between Ice Dancing and Pairs Figure Skating? I remember when it sued to be Pairs Figure Skating. Why did they have to change the name? To confuse me or what? What the heck is the difference?

Okay so the medal count thus far is USA 25 and Germany 21. The rest goes down from 14-1. Well, that is about it for now! Until next time my lovelies!

Jodes

Hello Friend!! Who are you? ;)

Well, once again it has been a while since my last post. I am still alive and chugging along. Happy to report the pounds are coming off ever so slightly. I need to buy new jeans and khaki pants tomorrow. How sad is it when you can slide your pants off without unzipping or unbuttoning? I mean i know it isn't sad, but so sick of pulling up the pants when I stand, and also have to stop putting sort of heavy stuff in the pants. ;) I mean it just makes me affraid my pants are just going to fall down.

Now onto another topic. Lets talk about what is on tv for the next 2 weeks. Yes, I am talking about the 2010 Olympics. Happy to report TEAM USA has 12 medals all together. I think that just got bumped up to 14 cuz Shaun White just won gold with snowboarding, and another american Scotty Lago got bronze. Just got them. Pretty sweet. But what I have been hooked on is Short Track Speedskating. I mean watching Apolo Anton Ohno that is. It is amazing watching the Olympics. I mean with it being in Canada, that is pretty cool. But you just look at how Team USA's team spirit compares to Team Canada. I have heard the announcers say many times that Team Canada says that the only country that likes them is the US. Everyone else doesn't like them. The US is pretty accepting and nice to everyone. I mean isn't that right?

It is so awesome that Lindsey Vonn won gold, and another awesome thing is hearing our national anthem. Hearing it gives you American spirit and seeing the reaction of that song on the faces of the one who won gold. It is priceless! When they cry, I want to cry. Awww! She had tears in her eyes. Cool! One other thing I have heard also was this. The governments for the other countries help out their competitors. Were as our government doesn't do that. Which means everyone on Team USA has to work for their spot on the team.

Food for thought and please answer this. I want to know what you think:
Isn't that the way it should be for all the other countries, or does that just set us above and beyond them? (this question pertains to what I had just stated above).

Time for bed now all my lovelies!
Jodes

Where to start?

Let's see. Were do we start. Hmmm! I really can't remember what we have been up to. We have done so much, and we so much on our minds. That life kinda gets crazy at times. Like now! I know two weeks ago we went ice fishing for two straight days. The first day of ice fishing we caught nothing. The ice was thick, but i still freaked out. I do that every year. Even when we are sitting in our chairs on the ice, and you start to hear the rumbling of the ice. I mean loudly, especially when the trucks would drive by us. I was getting so mad at them for doing that. Byt Ryan told me to just relax. We aren't going to fall through. If we do we are better off here than we are if we are in the truck. He also said that if a big 2 ton truck ( i think that is what he said) can drive on the ice and not fall through. We are safe. And we were. Now onto what we caught. WE caught nothing. Not even a nibble.

Now onto day 2 of fishing. Sort of the same as day 1. We caught some big northerns and some bass, but nothing to keep. I mean bug Northerns were Ryan lost some plastic worms. Thankfully Ryan went there again the next day, so he could get back a plastic lure or two. From our friend tip-up fishing.

That night we after he was fishing, on a Saturday, we babysat for his co-worker's daughter. Let's just say, Oh My! But we had fun.

Ryan had to work 4 10 hour days last week starting on Wednesay until Saturday. So we really didn't do much that week. He just rested and I took care of him. Last Saturday we met my brother and SIL at a bar to have drinks with him for his birthday. Now my dad, my family next door to me, and one of my cousin's along with a handful of my brother's friends were there as well. We had fun. I had to drive my Beloved home last weekend. Sunday was church. We had a long day at church with Ryan ushering and me singing at 8am service, then we went to Education Hour, and then we sat around in the youth room during second service. Until it was time for our board of youth meeting. After our meeting Ryan and I went to Applebee's for lunch. We did the 2 for $20 meal. I had Double Crunch Shirmp, Ryan had 9 oz sirloin. Our appetizer was Mozzarella Sticks. I had to take a doggy bag home of fries and shrimp.We were for flipping hungry by the time we left our meeting. We started watching the Jets and then we both decided to take a much needed nap. He on the couch, and me in his bed. We REALLY were tired. Then we started watching the ending of the Jets/Colts game. Meaning the Jets losing. Hahahaha!

Then it was time for the Viking/Saints game. While doing that we ate the rest of what I had for lunch at Applebee's. And we both drank a lot of water. I also started doing Wii Fit Plus at the Johnson's house.

This week is low key and Saturday we have to go GB for a wedding from our really good friend from college. Can't wait. We will have fun. That is about it for now.

Until next time! God's blessing!!!!!
Jodes

Today is a day of rememberance!

Wow were did the year go? To me it seemed like yeasterday we were going to the hospital everyday to see mom, getting updates everyday we went there, and updates on the phone when we weren't there. Also, having meetings with her team of doctors, spending time with the nurses taking care of her, and telling my mom everyday how much she is loved, and to try to get her to relax so she can rest. I can honestly tell you I am 100% healed from her death. Not even close. I do though have good days and bad days. I seem to be having more bad days right now, than good. Especially when my dad and I are sitting at night talking. We talk about when my mom was in the hosptial and I start to get teary eyed. I tell him I still feel guilty for being mad at her before she got sick. And he keeps telling me not to think that way and that she forgives me.

Okay everyone can tell me that all they want, but it is easier said than done. I still beat myself up about it, about what I said to her and how I left things. I really am trying to get past that, but it is hard.

Onto today. It is hard. Today or tonight is when she died at Theda Clark. So I am thinking of going down to her grave. But not sure yet. It is kinda cold outside and brisk. I might just wait until there is no below zero wind chill. I have her picture to look at and the many memories of her in my head. Tonight will be spending it with Ryan. He knows what today is so he is prepared for me to have meltdowns. Tonight we will be watching my cousin's kids, playing and having fun, and trying to get my mind off of what today is. Talk to you all soon! See most of you at church tomorrow.

Jodes