Tis the season to be thankful!!

This has been one heck of a year. I can't believe it is almost Christmas already. It seems like just yesterday my mom was here, and then everything went downhill from there. With my mom's death, came a birth of a new second cousin, and me gaining a sister that I longed for so many years.

I know some of you are like she is not talking about her mom's death again, and the rest of you feel sorry for me for not having my mom here anymore. Well, first off I want to say to the one's that are sick of me talking about this. I am sorry you are bothered with this, but you have no clue how close I was with my mom. She was my mom/and best friend rolled into one. She is what the "World's Best Mom" medal is based after. She listened with an open ear, and unjudgmental with whatever my brother and I had to tell her. She never got mad or short tempered at us when were older. Yes obviously when we were younger she did, but she had to. She is the reason I am the person, woman I am today all because of her. And my brother is the man he is because of her to. If I can be half the woman she was on the inside, I would be lucky.

Now onto the one's that feel sorry for me. I am not looking for pity or empathy. Really I am not. I just want her here to be able to talk to when I need her. To give me words of wisdom, to just see her would be a blessing and a wish come true. So from now until after the New Year's I might not be my happy self, and if I am pull me aside when you see me and give me a hug. Cuz I am just putting on a front for everyone else. I am really sad, and crying on the inside because I miss her. I know Pastor Tim and Pastor Marty will tell me to look for the fact that she is at the Ultimate Celebration in heaven. Yes I believe she is. I really also hope, they don't include in their sermon on Sunday that at a funeral you know when people believed and are in heaven. Or something to that extent. Cuz whenever Pastor Tim does that, he looks at me I swear and I start to get chills and almost lose it. That is when I or Ryan move closer to each other at church.

I know she is in heaven. I know that for a fact. And I also know, with Ryan's help from talking about this, that we did make the best decision in the long run. No matter how much it hurt to do it, we did what was best with what we were presented with. I mean like Ryan told me this week, she really only lived for an hour with no breathing help. So she couldn't have lived a normal life without that help. Also, she didn't want us to keep her alive like a vegetable.

I told this to Ryan. I am saying this here. I have only one regret before she died. I wish the last time I talked to her and saw at Manor Care, that I was kinder and not yell at her. See I went to visit her, but she feel asleep on me. I tried to wake her up, and she yelled at me. So I got snippy back with her. So I wheeled her back to her room so she could to lay down. I left kinda miffed cuz I came to see her and this happened. Then before I knew it a day or so past and all this crap happened. That is one thing I wish I could take back.

Do you think she forgave me for that? Do you also think she could hear us when we were talking to her on her death bed? Just wondering. Thanks everyone!

Jodes