Powerful words!

Man what can I say. Just when I think I am getting to the point of being able to deal with my mom's death I hear a song on the radio for the first time that makes me cry. I mean really breakdown. At the time of her passing, I was feeling angry, denial, guilt, and sorrow all rolled into one. Anger because I was mad at God for taking my mom away from at such a young age who was really looking forward to my brother's wedding. I mean really looking forward to it. Also, I had anger toward my whole family. I felt like they were all looking to me to be the strong person. that if I started to cry, then everyone else would start. Everyone was coming and looking at me for strength. I kind of got really peeved, but not to anyone. Just would vent in my prayers to God. I have never told anyone this before. I feel kind of guilty being mad at them for not doing it intentionally, but that is how I felt. Denial because I felt like it was dream and we were going to wake up or recieve a call and say, just kidding I am fine. Didn't happen. Guilt because my dad and I felt so guilty deciding her fate. I feel like we decided her fate with giving up on her. Remember this was then not now. With guilt comes the second thought of all the what it's. Like what if we would have gone through with the trache and she recovered 100%. Not likely though. Lastly, sorrow because of the loss of my mom.

Now the song in question that I am talking about plays on my slideshow. It is Alan Jackson's "Sissy Song". I heard for the first time this week on Monday I think. I completely broke down. It so speaks how my dad, brother, and I are feeling, and what we are going through. But also at the same time gives us comfort. Listening to it once for the first time made me cry, now I can listen to it and it gives me comfort. Kind of like it a message from God saying that it is okay to miss her, and so you know she doesn't want you to be sad. She is okay and having a ball in heaven.

Okay. Now that it has been over 4 months since her death. I am finally to the place were I get comfort from God. I have apologized to him for getting mad at him when she died. But I think God understands when we get mad at him, as long as it is only temporary. Not permanent. He knows I wasn't really mad at him, I was just hurting that much. Mother's Day like i have said in a previous blog post went better than I thought it would. I had tears in my eyes looking at the cards for your mom. I miss picking out a card for my mom. She always liked the one's I picked. But I did buy a card for my grandma like I always did and for my aunt. My aunt because she is like my second mom really. And has been there with my through everything. I gave her the card, wrote a little message in it, and almost made her cry. But she didn't. She said that I am practially part of their family anyway's. I am like their adopted child.

I think God says to me. Wait a minute on the healing part. You aren't healed yet. So he lets stuff hit me like a mack truck. Praying for him to help me heal is working. I am no longer mad at my family. Only at times when certain things bug me. But not for the reason I mentioned before. I do at times cry, but Ryan is getting used to it. It is really strange at what makes me cry when watching tv or a movie.

So now onto a happy subject. Ryan and I are going to see the new Star Trek movie at Regal. We are seeing a matinee because regular price is way to steep for us. $6.50 before 5pm, after it is $9. Haha! I don't think so. So I will blog tomorrow to let you know how the movie was. And will give you Ryan's offical take on the movie. Have to get ready for our 4pm showing. I have to be to his place by 2:30 or 3. So good bye for now.

Live long and prosper! ;D
Jodes