The Lord is my Shepherd!

Now this doesn't mean the worse has happened to my mom. Nope! It is just the our Lord is our Shepherd in the hard times that we go through and the good times that happen also. Okay, when i heard a week ago yesterday that my mom had a bad stroke, I thought the worst right away. And was struggling within, I mean with all I have been through I know what God can do, but this time was having a hard time letting it all go in his hands. I was that scared. If it is about me, I can do it. If it is about my mom, it is harder when you are freaked out. It felt like it was looming over my head all week, and I was not looking forward to Christmas. At all! I saw my mom go from talking and knowing who I was, talking and yelling for my aunt Barb and me, and then went to mumbling not being able to understand her but when I would ask her to take a nap and relax she would say I am trying. Then, it was time for Christmas Eve service. Okay, before service I went up to visit my mom. Walked in the room and she was still mumbling. Squeezing my hand hard. I think she was communicating to me that she is still here. And not going anywhere. Anyway's, left the hospital, was kind of thrown back with what seeing my mom like that it was hard, I was in my car and started to get tears. Then went to church, and with being at church and among my church family. It made me feel better. With the Christmas sermon and with talking to Becky made me feel so much better and ready for Christmas to come. Until I saw my mom Christmas Day. That day sucked. I went into her room, and she had a mask on that you can attach an inebulizer to and wasn't breathing steady. She squeezed my hand. And then her nurse told me that in the night she was having troubles, so that is why she has this on. And she also has fluid around her lungs. I thought okay fine. Then her nurse said this that freaked me out. Fluid around your lungs can lead to congestive heart failure. Okay, I didn't need to hear that on Christmas. Then her Neurologist came in and we had pow wow about my mom. Now what she told me, with all the damn OPTIONS that she was giving me didn't help me at all. Basically was staying that they aren't confident that none of this will work, she have to get put on the ventilator, or we can let nature takes it course with making her as comfortable as possible. That part freaked me out. I told her I can't make the decision you have to call my dad. So I gave her my dad's cell phone number. And then I left when they were doing an EKG (seeing how much fluid was around her lungs).

I left the hospital, started to drive out of the parking lot, and lost it. I started to cry damn near all the way home. I was scared badly. I pulled myself together. So when I got home, I could give my dad the report. Then the doctor called and said the same thing. Christmas at our house was fine. I would have rather just stayed in our house or disappear for a day, but I didn't. Everything was going great. Then when we are sleeping we got a call at 2:45 am from my mom's nurse that my mom is having a hard time breathing, she is grabbing her pillow (basically struggling to breathe), asked if we were coming up that night, I said no tomorrow morning. They gave her lascix, and more of the inebulizer. Then fell back asleep. now it is 3:30 in the damn morning. Doctor calls, freaked me out. I woke my dad up, handed him my phone. And he basically told him my mom was still having problems breathing, and asked my dad if he wanted them to put her on the ventilator to help her breathe more normal and can help her rest. Also, was giving him worse case scenario things. In the long run, they put my mom on the ventilator. Oh, doctor also said that if they don't put her on ventilator, she will only make it 24 hours. I only got about 4 hours of sleep.

Now, went up Friday around 10. Before we left I called my aunt and uncle that live next door to me, Ryan at his parent's house, and left a message for another aunt. Went in by her, she held my hand, moved her arm up, and squeezed my hand. Then, mine and Ryan's good friends Tim, Becky, and Isaiah came up to visit us, and also said a prayer with us. Then went back in by my mom, and my aunt and uncle came to visit us. After that my brother and his fiance came and we had a family conference. Doctor came out, and gave us more damn options but the same ones. And more also.

Now happy to say this. No she has not opened her eyes yet. But they gave her a blood transfusion and iron yesterday. She grabbed my hand and raised her arm. She didn't do that all day. Then today, we got there her blood pressure was normal. And then when my grandma, 3 aunts, and uncle talked to her. Taking their turns, her blood pressure shot up. And she literally squeezed your hand hard. Her nurse said today that he thinks she is aware we are there, and trying to communicate with us because she didn't have blood pressure problems all day. She is moving her right arm, leg, and toes more on command. She only was doing it by reflex before. And she had a bowel movement. I would talk to her and tell her to relax and nap. Then she would calm down. After a while, seeing my grandma cry and an aunt or two. I had to walk out. I broke down twice in the hospital. And only had tears in my eyes until my aunt would hug me, then they would flow.

I am so much better now. Ryan is finally home. I love him so very much. So happy that he can go down this road with me, and make sure I am taking care of myself. And also to be my buffer with some people. He is such a good guy, I couldn't get through this without him. Believe me. And without his family, and mine. Also, couldn't get through this will all my awesome friends, and prayers. I am finally having more happy thoughts now than bad.

Like Beck told me. There are bumps in the road of recovery. Well, I can say DUH to that. I have been through some helacious bumps, and so has my mom. Also, I keep encouraging her, telling her how proud we are of her, that there are many people praying for her, and that we, her immediate family I mean, love her a lot. I mean my whole family loves her, but you know what I mean. Also, asked her to keep fighting for me. So far so good. I hope. Until next time. Love to all.

Tonight when Ryan got home finally, he tooke me out to eat at Good Co. He told me he would have come home sooner if something would have happened. But it didn't. He also said that I made his mom, sister, and him cry. With saying that if she wouldn't have been intibated, she would only make it 24 hours. Ryan said he was fine seeing his mom cry, then his sister started, so Ryan lost it. I said I am sorry. I didn't mean to make you all cry and worry. Aww! So I will be sending his mom and sister an email telling I am sorry about the happy news thus far. So now I am done. Love to all!

Jodes

Merry Christmas Everyone!

Well, hope you all have a happy and heatlhy Christmas with your loved ones. If you can't be with your loved ones, they are in your hearts. Don't forget that. I am getting the house ready for family coming at 3 or so. Cleaning the bathroom and doing the dishes at the same time. And also sweeping and using the Swifer Wetjet. So that is my day thus far, except seeing my mom. I am not going to post her status right now. I am still not handling this all that well. So if you want to know please email me. But there is no change at all with her hemorrhage at all. But other things are going on now. So just email me to ask and I will tell you. I will try to answer your email tonight. I know she will be fine, I hope so at least. It is God's hands. Only he knows what is going to happen. Which with going through this really sucks. The whole not knowing sucks. But I am keeping positive thoughts, and only lost it when I was driving home. Now I am fine, but might faulter when my brother and his fiance get here. Or if my family all asks how I am doing. I might tell them with tears in my eyes ready to flow. But holding them back. That is how I was when talking to her doctor this morning. I think she could tell. Not sure. Well, have to go and finish the dishes. Then I can sit and relax before the chaos starts. Will post tonight with how thigns went and how I handled everything.

After I am done here on the computer I will be turning it off so my second cousins don't play with it.

Until next time. Merry Christmas to all! God speed!! :)
Jodes

Update thus far on my mom!

Well, everyone nothing has really changed. She is the same way she has been for the past several days. She is making sounds, but it is more like mumbling not talking. Have no clue what is being said. I am trying really hard to listen and try make out her words. Not working so far. When I was by her yesterday I held her hand and I swear she didn't want to let it go. Man she had a grip on it. I was going to get a chair so I could sit, and had to ask her for my hand back. She gave it back, then I gave it back to her. She would hold it, and then every once in a whilt squeeze it. She is getting another Cat-scan done this morning. So hopefully that will show that the hemorrhage is shrinking. I hope so. If not then it is wait. We already know that this will be a hell of a waiting game for her recovery. We also know that she will be in the hospital at least for 6 weeks. And that she might not fully recover in months it might be a year or so. So we have a long road ahead of us, and have to be patient. It won't happen like Now! For her to improve. That isn't how it works with stuff in the brain.

I am better now, just drained. I did break down a night ago. And with that it seems like the tears just come more freely now. And we canceled my dad's party so that is some stress relief there as well. It just did't feel right going ahead with his party. So like my uncle said we can celebrate this summer when my mom improves in health and for my dad. Then we can have it at our house. And my mom can come out. That would be nice. See I am looking to the future. I also have in the back of my mind that she won't be back fully 100%, but you never know. Miracles do happen. I just hope that with visiting her this afternoon, before I go to church, and with going to Christmas Eve service, I get my Christmas spirit back. Let's hope. I really don't care if my dad's side comes or not. I am not in the mood. I just don't want to deal with my cousin's kids. Who are pains in the butts. They see a toy or trinket laying around in our house, and they ask my dad if they can have it. I am like no. Stop being snoops. We have to turn our computer off so nothing happens to it. Stressful on my part. But I can hide in the house. That is were I told my dad, brother, and his fiance were I will be if I am not in our garage. But I will get through it. I have to. My mom would want us to go on as usual. So I will try really really hard to. Well, I am off to make my dad's chili and put it in our slow cooker. So I can have supper waiting for me when I get home from church. See you at church! Have a MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY NEW YEAR!!

Jodes

Is it the New Year yet?

The reason behind my subject is i want this year to be over with NOW!! I was going great until a couple days ago, then family issues happened. Sorry to be vague. I can't be vague you all are my friends. So here it goes. Be prepared it is major! Nothing about me though, I am great and healthy. Kidney is working awesomely.

But it is about my mom. She had a stroke between Friday afternoon into Saturday morning. We were under the impression that it was a minor stroke like before. Well, we were wrong. So wrong. We saw her Saturday night in the hospital and she had slurred speech, left side of her face was slouched, and she was worked up because she was scared. Now onto the real issue.

She had a hemorrhage(bleed) in the center of her brain. And they are hoping that it will heal itself and absorb itself into her body eventually. So she has a massive headache right now, and will still have a headache when it works its way through her. Well, yesterday morning she had a cat scan done to see if it was getting worse or what. Well, it turned out that it is not getting worse and it is not getting better. It is were it was when we saw her cat scan with the doctor Saturday night. Which I don't know if that is good or not. There is a procedure that they can do to releive the pressure and help the hemorrhage out, but that is just way to invasive for her. And she really is not a candidate for surgery. They took her off of coumadin (a blood thinner) to help thicken up her blood. They are giving her Vitamin K and something else. I don't remember what. She is also getting IV Fluid, and IV blood pressure meds. But not eating yet.

But she is doing okay. She gets worked up because she is scared. I can tell that when I hold her hand and she squeezes my hand tight. But she is in the best place possible with an awesome doctor taking care of her. So she is at Theda Clark in the Intensive Neurological Unit. INU in other words. But she knows who I am, and who my dad is. Which is a good thing. It is just a hard thing for me to deal with. But I am handling it to the best of my ability. The reason I can have a positive outlook at this is because I share all my cares and concerns to God. He has been helping me to get through this to the best of my ability. So that is everything in a nut shell.

I don't need anything or anyone to do anything. I am fine. My dad and I are going through this together along with my brother. And everyone else in my family. I am just getting through this one day at a time. That is all I can do. So remember this. Tell your family and loved ones that you love them everyday. You don't know when it is too late. Don't hold grudges! Life is too short. Remember: To smile God loves you!!

Until next time!
Love,
Jodie

Let It Snow! Let It Snow! Let It Snow!

I just love this time of year. With it snowing outside when you are sleeping, and you can just sleep through the snowing. And then you wake up and sit in your favorite chair or on your couch, and cover up with a blanket. Well, my blanket of choice is a fleece blanket that Ryan got me last year for Christmas it is a fleece Packers blanket. See about 3 or more years ago, don't quite remember when. He got me a New England Patriots Stadium blanket when I was on dialysis. And that was my blanket that I took with me when I was on dialysis. Because I would get cold, it is inevitable to get cole when you are on dialysis. That is just a plain fact. Ask me why in the comments section or in an email.

I am determined to be stress free this season. With cleaning the house a little every day so I don't kill myself, as my dad says, on Christmas Day. Planning my dad's surprise party the Saturday after, deciding if we want decorations or not. Table or two or not, and what kind of food. I know my brother might not like this, but I just want my dad's party to be simple not over done. I would do decorations if it was going to be at someone's house or at a hall. But it isn't, it is at a bar. I just don't want to deal with decorating the place, making sure to take it down, and what not. But it will be a fun night. And everything will come into place. As long as my brother doesn't stress me out. But I love him. He has good intentions at his concerns. But anyway's.

Tonight is a low key night. Our young adult potluck meal got post-poned to January 9th. that will be a fun time. All because of the unpredictable weather that our state has. But I love it. As long as I don't have to go anywhere, and can just stay warm in my house. Well, that is all for now. Talk to you all soon! Hopefully on Sunday at church.

Jodes

Ohhhh! The weather outside is freightful.....

But the fire is so delightful, and since we no place to go, LET IT SNOW LET IT SNOW LET IT SNOW! I am back to my crazy, silly, and goofy self. Thank the Lord, Praise Jesus. I was beginning to doubt that I would ever feel better again. Sunday sucked major a$$, just ask the people in choir and everyone at church who saw me. I felt like crap, not sure if I looked, but I sure was flipping warm. The tenors had to fan me down in the balcony. Thank you guys! I owe you one. They aren't that bad for all the picking they do of Tracy and me. But standing up, sittin down, standing up, sitting down, then going down for communion, then climbing the stairs again, then stand up again, sit down. My Lord I was pooped. Takes alot of energy out of you when you are not feeling good. Went to Ryan's after the potluck meal we had at church, and slept from 12:30 until 5p. I was beat. Ryan slept as well. Then I woke up and moved out by Ryan. Came home, Told my dad that if there is ice on Monday not getting labs done. Going on Tuesday. I woke up Monday and no ice. I was like "what the hell?" Were is this ice that we should have had. Damn weather men! Then Felt like crap, majorly shivering, and badly stuffed. Also, a really bad headache. So I emailed my transplant coordinator at 7:45a and told her that I won't be getting my labs done today. She shot me a note back, said good call. My labs would have been off if I did get them done.

I know for sure my White Blood Cell number would have been really flipping high, but not sure what else would have been high. Okay, I do know. I looked back at my levels of when my WBC number was high and my Hematoctrit (HCT) and blood urea nitrogen (BUN)would have been affected. Hope I didn't lose you. They all measure my kideny function. I know I am getting sick when my WBC number comes up, if it is lower then I need a blood transfusion like I needed right after transplant. Back to what I was talking about.

So I forwared the email onto my dad. Left him a note, since he was sleeping, telling him that I am not feeling good, and am sleeeeping. Shhhh don't wake me. :) So I did nothing but sleep, and veg. Ryan came over and took care of me. What a sweet guy. He refilled my glass of water I don't remember how many times. After the last time he said you are going to pee a lot. I said, "Really?" I never would have known that. I have been peeing alot since I got sick. I have been pushing the fluids drastically.

Now update on me. Today labs got done, they are still awesome, and feeling way much better. Finally back in the land of the living. Tonight went with Ryan to the dreaded mall. Man I hate shopping there this time of year. But we got Ryan finished with his Christmas shopping. Now all I have to do is go to my grandma's and get 9 gifts from her that she makes. Will let you know what they are if you email me. I will be happy to tell you. Talk to you all soon! See most of you tomorrow if not then Friday at church.

Jodes

Feeling Better

Just like Becky, I am starting to feel better. Damn it Ryan! Well the fever bought I had was a long night Friday night. It got as high as 102.2, so I went into action, slightly. Very slowly, I was feeling pretty dizzy, crappy, and pukish. Well, the pukish feeling was from me being a little hungry but didn't feel like eating. So I drank some olive juice.

Minor side track: For those of you whose blood pressure drops, either dump a little salt in your hand and put in your mouth, drink some olive juice, or eat something really salty. Trust me. This is an old dialysis trick.

Okay now back on track. I put a cold compress on my head, and covered myself from head to toe since I had massive chills. Then fell asleep. Woke up when my dad came home, and we talked for a bit. And had to make him feel better that this has nothing to do with my kidney. My left leg isn't swollen, I am still going to bathroom (more now that I am sick trust me), and no pain over the kidney sight. So he felt better. I woke up every hour once he went to bed. Then about 5:30 I went to bed and feel asleep. I then woke up at 11:30 with fever broke. Now I just have congestion, and minor sore throat. Now off to bed so I can get better. Night to everyone. Hope everyone doesn't get this miserable cold that is going around. It really sucks. Nighty night!

Jodes