The Lord is my Shepherd!

Now this doesn't mean the worse has happened to my mom. Nope! It is just the our Lord is our Shepherd in the hard times that we go through and the good times that happen also. Okay, when i heard a week ago yesterday that my mom had a bad stroke, I thought the worst right away. And was struggling within, I mean with all I have been through I know what God can do, but this time was having a hard time letting it all go in his hands. I was that scared. If it is about me, I can do it. If it is about my mom, it is harder when you are freaked out. It felt like it was looming over my head all week, and I was not looking forward to Christmas. At all! I saw my mom go from talking and knowing who I was, talking and yelling for my aunt Barb and me, and then went to mumbling not being able to understand her but when I would ask her to take a nap and relax she would say I am trying. Then, it was time for Christmas Eve service. Okay, before service I went up to visit my mom. Walked in the room and she was still mumbling. Squeezing my hand hard. I think she was communicating to me that she is still here. And not going anywhere. Anyway's, left the hospital, was kind of thrown back with what seeing my mom like that it was hard, I was in my car and started to get tears. Then went to church, and with being at church and among my church family. It made me feel better. With the Christmas sermon and with talking to Becky made me feel so much better and ready for Christmas to come. Until I saw my mom Christmas Day. That day sucked. I went into her room, and she had a mask on that you can attach an inebulizer to and wasn't breathing steady. She squeezed my hand. And then her nurse told me that in the night she was having troubles, so that is why she has this on. And she also has fluid around her lungs. I thought okay fine. Then her nurse said this that freaked me out. Fluid around your lungs can lead to congestive heart failure. Okay, I didn't need to hear that on Christmas. Then her Neurologist came in and we had pow wow about my mom. Now what she told me, with all the damn OPTIONS that she was giving me didn't help me at all. Basically was staying that they aren't confident that none of this will work, she have to get put on the ventilator, or we can let nature takes it course with making her as comfortable as possible. That part freaked me out. I told her I can't make the decision you have to call my dad. So I gave her my dad's cell phone number. And then I left when they were doing an EKG (seeing how much fluid was around her lungs).

I left the hospital, started to drive out of the parking lot, and lost it. I started to cry damn near all the way home. I was scared badly. I pulled myself together. So when I got home, I could give my dad the report. Then the doctor called and said the same thing. Christmas at our house was fine. I would have rather just stayed in our house or disappear for a day, but I didn't. Everything was going great. Then when we are sleeping we got a call at 2:45 am from my mom's nurse that my mom is having a hard time breathing, she is grabbing her pillow (basically struggling to breathe), asked if we were coming up that night, I said no tomorrow morning. They gave her lascix, and more of the inebulizer. Then fell back asleep. now it is 3:30 in the damn morning. Doctor calls, freaked me out. I woke my dad up, handed him my phone. And he basically told him my mom was still having problems breathing, and asked my dad if he wanted them to put her on the ventilator to help her breathe more normal and can help her rest. Also, was giving him worse case scenario things. In the long run, they put my mom on the ventilator. Oh, doctor also said that if they don't put her on ventilator, she will only make it 24 hours. I only got about 4 hours of sleep.

Now, went up Friday around 10. Before we left I called my aunt and uncle that live next door to me, Ryan at his parent's house, and left a message for another aunt. Went in by her, she held my hand, moved her arm up, and squeezed my hand. Then, mine and Ryan's good friends Tim, Becky, and Isaiah came up to visit us, and also said a prayer with us. Then went back in by my mom, and my aunt and uncle came to visit us. After that my brother and his fiance came and we had a family conference. Doctor came out, and gave us more damn options but the same ones. And more also.

Now happy to say this. No she has not opened her eyes yet. But they gave her a blood transfusion and iron yesterday. She grabbed my hand and raised her arm. She didn't do that all day. Then today, we got there her blood pressure was normal. And then when my grandma, 3 aunts, and uncle talked to her. Taking their turns, her blood pressure shot up. And she literally squeezed your hand hard. Her nurse said today that he thinks she is aware we are there, and trying to communicate with us because she didn't have blood pressure problems all day. She is moving her right arm, leg, and toes more on command. She only was doing it by reflex before. And she had a bowel movement. I would talk to her and tell her to relax and nap. Then she would calm down. After a while, seeing my grandma cry and an aunt or two. I had to walk out. I broke down twice in the hospital. And only had tears in my eyes until my aunt would hug me, then they would flow.

I am so much better now. Ryan is finally home. I love him so very much. So happy that he can go down this road with me, and make sure I am taking care of myself. And also to be my buffer with some people. He is such a good guy, I couldn't get through this without him. Believe me. And without his family, and mine. Also, couldn't get through this will all my awesome friends, and prayers. I am finally having more happy thoughts now than bad.

Like Beck told me. There are bumps in the road of recovery. Well, I can say DUH to that. I have been through some helacious bumps, and so has my mom. Also, I keep encouraging her, telling her how proud we are of her, that there are many people praying for her, and that we, her immediate family I mean, love her a lot. I mean my whole family loves her, but you know what I mean. Also, asked her to keep fighting for me. So far so good. I hope. Until next time. Love to all.

Tonight when Ryan got home finally, he tooke me out to eat at Good Co. He told me he would have come home sooner if something would have happened. But it didn't. He also said that I made his mom, sister, and him cry. With saying that if she wouldn't have been intibated, she would only make it 24 hours. Ryan said he was fine seeing his mom cry, then his sister started, so Ryan lost it. I said I am sorry. I didn't mean to make you all cry and worry. Aww! So I will be sending his mom and sister an email telling I am sorry about the happy news thus far. So now I am done. Love to all!

Jodes